Episode Transcript
0:00
Welcome to the fully expressed podcast with Karenna.
0:02
I am your podcast host, Karenna Soto.
0:04
And this is a show where we invite you into your fullest expressed self and life, relationships and business.
0:10
And for the month of July, we've been having all kinds of conversations around relationships.
0:16
So the first two, so this month were specifically around friendships.
0:20
So if you haven't had a chance to go back, go make sure you go back and listen to that.
0:24
We talked about friendship, sisterhood, friendship, breakups, hard conversations when it comes to friendships.
0:29
And now we're gonna switch it a little bit and focus on romantic relationships for the rest of the month.
0:34
And I'm so excited because I have a guest on with me today.
0:39
Her name is Valerie Adams.
0:41
She is a dating coach and mindset coach who is here to talk to you all about what it really looks like to attract an emotionally available partner.
0:51
What does it look like to attract a partner that you really want in your life with the defining what it means to be single and what does that process look like and really manifesting the person that you want in your life.
1:01
She's an expert when it comes to relationships.
1:03
She's an expert when it comes to being single and really, really stepping into attracting your partner.
1:08
So I'm going to pass the mic over to Valerie so she can formally introduce herself because she is here with me today.
1:15
Well, that was quite the intro.
1:17
Super freaking pump to be here.
1:20
Thank you for having me really excited today for everything we're going to talk about like who even knows what will come up.
1:27
But yeah, I'm really excited for this conversation and I think you and I really bonded when we met in person within the last year.
1:36
And I know we were both with our partners and I just knew right when I met you, I was like, oh, I feel like I could talk to this girl forever.
1:43
Like I feel like we were talking the most and then it was like a birthday party and then we got pulled away.
1:48
But I was super excited when you asked me to be on here because I just know that we're just going to talk about some really cool stuff.
1:56
Yeah, I feel that so much.
1:58
And so for those that don't know because Corey and Jess have been on the podcast.
2:01
We did like a live in party.
2:03
So we were at Corey and Jess's birthdays because they the combined birthday and that's how I met Valerie.
2:08
And yeah, I think this conversation is going to go so well, like Valerie and I were just chatting just before we hit record and we could have literally probably kept talking and I was like, we are on a schedule and we have, we have things to do.
2:19
So we got to make sure we do that.
2:20
So, yeah, I'm just so stoked that you're here.
2:23
So thank you for being here.
2:24
Of course.
2:25
Yeah.
2:26
So what do you want to dive into?
2:28
Yeah.
2:28
So maybe we start with like just your personal story with dating and relationships.
2:32
Like where were you at?
2:33
Like before you attracted your person into your life?
2:37
OK.
2:37
So firstly, if someone would have told me like, hey, in your thirties, you're gonna be a dating coach and help women attract their partner.
2:47
Like I would have, I would have laughed in your face.
2:50
I would have been like, ok, that shuffle the tarot cards again or wherever you're getting that information from because that is, that just felt so far off because up until I met my partner Ryan, who we've been together for coming up on five years, every single relationship I had been in prior with, with someone emotionally unavailable.
3:08
So dating relationships, that was always the biggest source of anxiety and insecurity in my life ever since I was young.
3:17
Like I remember my first crushes in school.
3:19
It was always the boy with the class clown.
3:23
You know, the people who are like very charismatic life of the party.
3:26
I always wanted to go after those people.
3:29
And of course, through working on myself and really, you know, getting to the root of that, what I realized is that I was always just seeking approval from my dad essentially.
3:40
And it's almost like we end up dating our dad, you know, not in that way, but my dad is very like, very hard worker, very focused, very, he likes to be in control.
3:52
And growing up, it felt like the only, not the only way I would get attention, but it was always like, he, I knew he loved me when I would get a good grade or when I would do a sport and like excel at that sport.
4:05
And so the belief I took on when I was young, what I created from that was like, oh, in order for a man to love you, you have to always be doing something that's like worth them, loving you for work them being proud of you for.
4:19
So a lot of my dating was constantly me trying to prove myself or feeling really rocky with whoever I was dating.
4:27
Like I would feel good when we were together and hanging out.
4:30
But then it's like when we were separated and not together, I would feel like, 00 my God, I have to make sure they still like me.
4:35
And so the way that expressed itself was I was very overly focused on my outward appearance, so constantly restricting what I was eating and then I was like, bingy on the weekends or no, always wearing like super tight clothing.
4:51
Like my whole mind was like, what is, what can I do outwardly to make sure this person still likes me?
4:58
And I carried that in when I was really single and you know, not with anyone in particular.
5:03
That's literally what my brain thought was.
5:05
Ok.
5:05
You have to do something, be something, look a certain way to love.
5:10
I never believed that you can be loved for who you are.
5:15
And it's like, that's the reality I'm in now in this relationship.
5:18
But this relationship and I'm sure you can relate.
5:21
It's like the relationships we're in now, we wouldn't have been ready for those years and years ago, you know, until we did that in our healing on ourselves.
5:30
So I don't know.
5:30
Do you see yourself in my story at all?
5:33
0, 1000 and 20% 100 like all of it basically, you said I was like, yeah, me too.
5:38
Me too.
5:39
Me too the entire time.
5:41
Like, yeah, I absolutely resonated with your story.
5:43
And I've talked about my eating disorder on the podcast.
5:46
My desire to look a certain way how I really put everything that I put into even like your story with your dad.
5:52
Like I have specific memories with my dad where like if I would score like a game at.
5:58
So like a score a goal at soccer.
6:00
I would literally just look for my dad for approval.
6:02
I was like, did you see it?
6:02
Did you see it turn to my right and like, I think that was always like the same thing across anything that I did like every sport or every opportunity or work or finances.
6:13
Like I was always just like dad did you see me and I was always being that like whatever I did was worthy of his love and that that would receive.
6:21
So yeah, girl, you and I are sisters for sure.
6:25
Yeah, I'm happy that, you know, you can relate to that because I think it's so cool having that insight now.
6:32
But you know, growing up and in our experiences, we didn't see that.
6:37
I'm curious to hear like what type of guys were you drawn to before?
6:42
You did all very similar?
6:45
Like I always like, it's crazy like when you said like especially like in like middle school, even high school, like the kids that like like the boys that like they were boys at the time literally like they were always the louder ones, the cool ones or as I got older even like the cool guys that were like edgy, cool, like not super loud but like edgy, cool.
7:04
So like there was always this like charismatic thing to them but they were like not fully available, you know, like it was, it's like it was like now that I look back at it.
7:13
That's all that I want and all I pictured and they also never gave me attention.
7:17
It was interesting.
7:18
It was like the men that, like, I didn't really connect with was the one that I always wanted.
7:23
If that makes sense.
7:25
Like it wasn't, it wasn't the boys that I played soccer with or that were my basketball team or like my best friends that were guys.
7:32
It was always the guy that was like, the furthest available or like, the furthest in distance, it'd be too easy to, yeah, people who are, like, there and emotionally available.
7:42
And I think too, like, you're really looking back, I feel like for me, the reason I was drawn to those people was because I thought it would mean something about me this, if I were able to get them, it's like they were.
7:54
And so I loved the guys who were like a mystery or they were, you know, oh, they've been hurt before.
8:01
Like, if a guy told me, like, oh, I'm, you know, my X really hurt me.
8:05
It would be like this light would go off in my head, like, ok, I'm going to be the one to change his mind and it's, you know, it's all I feel like connected to our relationship with our fathers where it's like, it's that same dynamic playing out of, like, did you see that?
8:19
Did you see me?
8:20
And so what ends up happening is you lose yourself in the process because you're, you know, contorting yourself to be who you need to be for them.
8:28
And it's like the prize, the quote unquote prize.
8:32
If you do get that, it's really short lived and shallow because, yeah, it, it really like, and I saw that they were bad people but it, I can't think of a single relationship where it started off with me being, you know, wanting to crack them, you know, that I, I can't think of a relationship where it turned out well, or where my needs were super met.
8:53
And so, yeah, that was, I mean, I just think a lot of women go through this as well.
9:00
And yeah, it really like came to a head for me, I would say, like, in my, like my significant breakup, the significant relationship that ended when I was 25.
9:09
And then after that, I spent over three years, like really struggling.
9:14
I was living in San Diego where, you know, you're supposed to be able to meet people.
9:18
There's people are, you know, in that age range and it was in that age where, you know, friends are getting married, they're having babies and all that, the period where it just felt like why does everyone have this figured out?
9:32
But me and so I had a really hard time, like, I would never get approached, I would rarely meet guys or I would think a guy is cute.
9:41
And then he would, you know, not show interest in me or it would just be, you know, he'd like, watch my stories or, you know, like my post but not actually text me like, stuff like that.
9:52
I hate those, sorry, I got to comment.
9:54
Those are guys are annoying.
9:56
They're annoying and a lot of those they do that because, I mean, I think it's, yeah, I, whenever with clients, whenever it's like, ok, when I ask them, ok, when last time you heard from him, if they can't tell me, oh, yesterday or, oh, he messaged me it all if it's any longer story, like, well, he, he watched my story or he hearted this message.
10:18
It's like that doesn't count.
10:19
And I think a lot of guys do that because, I mean, number one is an insecurity thing I think, like, I think it's kind of testing the waters, like in their mind, men who aren't fully emotionally mature, not, not the type of men who are going to give you that, you know, committed relationship that you're looking for, but they, in their mind, they're like, I liked your picture.
10:39
I, you know, that's me showing but we can't, it has to come down to, are they telling you, are they putting in the effort?
10:46
Are they communicating with you?
10:49
Yeah.
10:49
And I also think on some level, like, it's just far, far enough to, like, not fully commit on their end, right?
10:55
Like, it's like enough to like, throw a like or throw a throw it like slide into your D MS and send like a fire emoji.
11:02
But like, like, are they truly like telling you that you're beautiful?
11:06
And I, I take you out and like, this is something that I really want with you.
11:08
They're just, it's almost a part of like, you know, and then if we respond and then we play the games, like playing against our egos basically like their ego versus our ego is getting a little bit of a do we mean hit?
11:18
I'm so curious, what is your perspective on why?
11:22
I mean, how social apps, I guess is another way like Instagram and social media and other ways of forming have, how does it influence dating in your perspective, whether negative or positive?
11:34
Yeah.
11:36
I think that and a lot of people like a lot of my clients, they have private profiles for me.
11:42
I think my profile was always private before I started a business and you know, the content and I'm like, OK, come on, come on, anyone can see me at any time.
11:51
I think that's an intimacy step when someone wants to follow you because I know a lot of people use their Instagram or you know, they share it's like friends and family and so it changes the dynamic when you let someone, you know, follow you and then they can see your picture and form an opinion.
12:09
And then the kind of your day to day because it can, when we're watching someone's stories, for example, on Instagram, especially if they're posting throughout the day, it can, it can feel intimate like, oh, I see, they're having coffee.
12:21
Oh I see.
12:21
They ended the day with a beach walk like that.
12:24
And then it can create this dynamic where, you know, let's say the guy follows you, then you, you kind of get in your head.
12:30
You're like, oh my God, he saw my story and then you start posting like, oh I think he's gonna watch my story.
12:36
So I'm gonna post this.
12:37
And so my recommendation is like literally if a guy on the dating apps, if he's asking for your Instagram before asking to take you out like that's a no.
12:47
So what you could say to that is like, you know, like I so you know, like I so appreciate that you want to connect over there.
12:53
I, I prefer for my Instagram to be just friends and family.
12:58
But if we decide we have a connection down the road, then we can definitely follow each other on there.
13:03
And then it's like you avoid that trap.
13:06
So good.
13:07
I love that.
13:08
I think I've heard women that a lot of my friends are still single at this age have that and they have like some strong boundaries in that, that they've really established like a unless I really get to know you even go on a couple dates because what they've reflected back to me, it's like, hey, like I'll go on a couple dates with them then they see my Instagram and I never hear them again.
13:25
It's almost like they think they're getting the informa the men sometimes are getting the information that they need from the Instagram stories.
13:32
And it's like, no, this is just my Instagram stories.
13:33
This is a highlight.
13:34
This is, isn't all of who I am.
13:37
So no matter what, they've just kind of set some boundaries on like for the first couple of weeks, first couple dates until we feel really good at each other.
13:43
And we have some cut going then like they won't even share their Instagram account and I love that because it can get messy, it can get a little, it does cross intimacy lines which I love that you brought that up, it can feel a little intrusive, right?
13:57
And then if things don't work out and you have this guy, you went on a couple of dates with so watching you and you know, Reding is a real thing and I think that happens a lot where you know, there are men who just want to, their ego gets off knowing that they could have you as an option.
14:14
So they think and so they will do little things to test, you know, they will send you, you know, the flame emoji to like, you know, a story that you posted where you look good, like they will do that just to kind of, they want you to, you know, they want to be on your mind.
14:31
Like some people really get off on that and like that, a lot of emotionally unavailable guys are like that.
14:37
And so you, you just have to be really careful and I tell clients all the time, I'm like, you can, you know, remove them like that person you had a fling with.
14:46
That's who cares if they think it's weird or they notice, oh, she doesn't follow me anymore.
14:51
Oh, she removed me as a follower.
14:53
It's like we don't need to have because it's an energetic tie on a spiritual level.
14:56
It's still an energetic tie and I think the cleaner we can keep it the better.
15:00
Totally.
15:01
No, I'm totally with you.
15:02
I love that.
15:03
So let's transition a little bit into like what does it actually mean to attract an emotionally available man first?
15:11
Let's maybe define what emotionally available looks like.
15:14
Yeah.
15:14
So what I always say is like when someone's emotionally available you won't be confused.
15:19
They're very with their intentions.
15:23
They're, it's very, it matches a lot.
15:26
So something I noticed just from my personal example is with all the guys I dated before Ryan, my partner now it was I always needed to be showing my friends screenshots.
15:37
Oh, of like text messages.
15:39
What do you think he needs?
15:40
Oh, he said this, I haven't heard from him since Wednesday.
15:43
It was very confusing and it took up a lot of time when it's someone emotionally available, you'll notice that it's just, it's almost like so neutral like you're like, oh yeah.
15:53
You know, he said he wants to see me again of the app to see me again.
15:56
And you're not confused.
15:57
Someone who's emotionally available, they value their time and they value yours.
16:03
And so they don't value playing games.
16:05
They don't value breadcrumb.
16:07
They, some emotionally available guys, they may think they may be like, why would I follow her on Instagram?
16:12
I want to talk to her.
16:12
So I'm going to get her number and I'm gonna ask her on a date or I'm gonna call her.
16:16
And so the way to, you know, emotionally available people, they, I believe that they've done a level of work on themselves where, you know, they have a healthy relationship with expressing their desires.
16:28
They can make it very clear.
16:30
They also can make peace with potential rejection.
16:32
I think that's where a lot of people get scared.
16:35
A lot of men get scared.
16:36
I mean, it's no one wants to go through rejection.
16:39
And I think what I've noticed with emotionally available people is they're willing to put themselves out there even if there's not a guarantee that it's gonna be a yes because they are so clear that they want a partner.
16:50
So they're not gonna, you know, mess around and spend three months, you know, stalking your stories, like they're gonna ask you on a date.
16:57
And so that's really what it comes down to is like, someone who is clear about what they want, they make it known to you.
17:03
They make sure that their action match their words and they, like, they show up for themselves already and so they're able to show up for you as a potential partner for you.
17:15
Yeah.
17:15
So good.
17:16
I think the the biggest takeaways from what you just said was like they value your time as much as they value yours.
17:22
And the other really big one that I just want the listeners to listen into is like there is no lack of clarity.
17:28
You aren't confused and things are neutral, that word that you use.
17:32
Like I just think back to when Nick and I started dating compared to every other guy, like I always felt with past men like like a ping pong ball.
17:41
What does he feel about me?
17:42
What does he not feel about me?
17:43
Oh I feel good.
17:43
Oh my God, things are wrong.
17:44
Some things like I just never felt easy, it never felt, it felt unsteady.
17:49
It felt like anxiety all the time, overthinking things and no matter how like I even want to say, like I even started to attract men that wanted to be intentional, but they were also would still fall off the face of the earth randomly and you're like, wait, what, then you're not really like into this.
18:06
And I let's go into the part where you said, like, also being open to rejection because I think what's really hard right now in dating is like one from what I hear.
18:16
And like, when I was going in through, especially now with dating apps, like, there isn't that intentionality.
18:20
And so as women, we probably are putting ourselves out there often and we're putting our hearts on the line.
18:26
And it's like, how do we work through constantly putting our hearts out?
18:29
Like, how do we know when it's like that emotional safety is there, for example, to be able to open yourself up?
18:37
Sometimes there's so there's such a spectrum to this conversation in regards to like, what are the baby steps to like creating emotional safety and creating emotional intimacy?
18:46
And then once you've been rejected, how to like, go back and like, create that safety again with a new person and then go back and get that safety again with the person.
18:54
So how do we work through that?
18:56
How do we work through like really getting our heart on board with the idea of putting us ourselves available out there again?
19:03
So a few things that are coming up like number one, it's about your relationship with rejection because when you look back what you view as a rejection.
19:13
If you're really being honest with yourself, there were things that you weren't fully on board with, there were red flags that maybe you were ignoring because you just, you really liked the idea of them, you like the fantasy of them.
19:24
And so, you know, when, what we view as ghosted or rejected or someone, you know, like, wronged me, you have to look at and be like, ok, well, if I truly believe, and I'm going to practice the belief that my success in love is guaranteed and every person is just getting me closer and closer to my soul mate.
19:43
If you have that belief, you can look back at everything that appears as a rejection and see it as you know, and I love the quote.
19:50
I don't even know where it came from.
19:51
Like, you know, rejection is redirection, right?
19:54
And when you can look and go, OK, what is the lesson here?
19:58
And something I was just talking about with my client who's, you know, dating and going through stuff like she had some disappointments happen recently and her ego wanted to say, oh another guy doing this and the read frame that we came up with was her instead saying thank you not to them, but thank you every time something like that happens like thank you God for making it so clear.
20:20
This is not my person.
20:21
Thank you, you know, person for letting me go, you know, thank you for after the first date telling me you don't see it.
20:28
Thank you for falling off.
20:29
Thank you for ghosting me because they're making it abundantly clear that they're not your person and the worst place to be.
20:35
It's confused like what you were describing about, you know, feeling anxious all the time like that chips away at your life force energy.
20:43
You don't perform at work.
20:44
That's saying you don't have as much to give to your friendship like you're, you're not oftentimes when you're so consumed, you're not taking care of your health.
20:52
The way you should like, it really chips away and spills into other areas of your life.
20:57
So like number one, creating a new relationship with what you are labeling as rejection and what else can be, label it right when like you the the stepping stone, I like to see everything as a stepping stone toward your soulmate and what you actually want.
21:11
Number two, when it comes to dating apps like the fix there is having boundaries because the thing that I see a lot of women fall in this trap is getting too intimate over texting, getting into a pen pal situation, sending voice notes back and forth to someone they've never met.
21:29
you know, starting to share about their day and basically things that you don't like that is reserved for your future boyfriend or the guy you're exclusive with, to know the ins and outs of your day.
21:40
And I see I'm seen a lot of, you know, women get in that place where they end up basically, you know, building this day to day connection with a stranger who they haven't met.
21:50
And the goal always is to get off of the dating apps, meaning they want to use them as a tool.
21:56
We want to use them intentionally to at least see if there can be, you know, and you want to be clear on what you're compatible with.
22:02
But just to see if there is enough to be like, hm, there might be something here let's meet in person or if it's like, you know, let's, let's have a phone call.
22:11
So you don't want to spend too much time messaging back and forth because what can happen, especially if it's like two weeks and you're talking to someone, it's very easy to create a fantasy or create a story of who you think they are.
22:23
I know for me, like when I was on the dating apps, I would make up this whole story of who I thought this person was, you know, how they were gonna be.
22:31
And every single time I met them in person, I couldn't have been more wrong.
22:36
Right.
22:36
I would make these assumptions.
22:37
I would picture these things, I'd imagine.
22:39
And then I'd meet them and they would have a totally different demeanor and then I, you know, experience and so I can feel exhausting when you're dedicating a lot of your time and your energy to fantasizing about someone before you even met them.
22:52
And I really, I teach my clients having boundaries around, you know, not letting these conversations drag on for three days, not letting someone know the ins and outs of your day without their intention to take you on a date, being able to, you know, like set that boundary of, I prefer to get to know people in person and see if there's a connection or not giving your phone number out until after the first date.
23:15
So I think boundaries really help keep you sane.
23:18
And the, the last thing I want to say on this is that you've got to remember all you're looking for one person that always helped me when I was single and I'd be like, oh another guy or all guys are like this.
23:30
I'd remind myself like Valerie, you're just looking for one person.
23:33
You just need one person that you're madly, you know, connected with and you'll know it.
23:39
And so you, if you ever think the dating app, you know, there's not good people on there like you have to look at.
23:46
Well, I'm there.
23:47
I'm an amazing person.
23:48
I'm a catch and I just, I've had too many clients meet their now husband, father of their Children on dating apps to ever buy into the stories of, you know, the dating app stuff like they definitely can change over time.
24:02
But there's still, it's still human on the other end.
24:05
If there's good hearted people, men and women Looking for Love and that is one avenue.
24:10
It's just one avenue.
24:11
Dating apps are just one avenue just because you're on the dating app doesn't mean that's where you're going to meet your person.
24:16
You can leave your house and meet them at home and, you know, you can run into them somewhere out of workout class.
24:22
Ryan and I met in the hallway of a personal development seminar on a Friday night, like during a bathroom break, he wasn't even in the same, you know, training I was in.
24:31
So you just never know.
24:33
Yeah, so good.
24:34
I love that.
24:35
And like even that too, I think about like, you know, if you are someone that goes to the bars, like you're going to meet a ton of men, right?
24:40
You're not looking for the person.
24:42
So it's like the apps are the same way of these and not like leads.
24:45
I don't want to think them as leads but possible connections that are coming through and it's only one that really needs to land one that needs to really align with your soul.
24:53
And I love that you're not really feeding into like apps are ridiculous.
24:56
I think that's also just like a part of the mindset work to this is like really being open to just finding your person.
25:03
Can I just say one last thing that's when we've experienced hurt, which can be rejection, really liking someone in it, working out the ego goes into overdrive to self protect and not, we don't want to be hurt again.
25:18
So, your subconscious mind is going to lock in a belief of, well, the date, there's nothing good, no one but on the dating app because it's trying to protect you from being hurt again.
25:26
And so, rather than putting that pressure on the dating app, that's where you go to yourself.
25:32
And it's like, well, let's change the belief when you change the belief, you will change the type of things you're attracting.
25:38
Hm.
25:39
Ok, I really want to continue on this.
25:43
Yeah, because I mean, I was going to go into the belief.
25:44
So I want to go back.
25:46
Ok, I want to go back a second though.
25:47
So you were saying like setting boundaries within the texting and the communication and I think this is important from like a masculine slash feminine dynamic.
25:55
And I know you talk about this a lot in your content, like how to attract a very masculine energy, committed intentional man.
26:01
So let's say you set a boundary in the, in the D MS in the text, whatever chatting form of messaging that you're doing either that's all in the apps.
26:09
They continue to take the conversations over text, but they never actually initiate the date or they never actually commit to scheduling something with you.
26:17
Let's say you do set it and step in and set a boundary and you're like, hey, you know, I feel like we've been talking for a while or whatever it is.
26:24
Like, if you really want to take this to the next level, I'd love to see you in person.
26:27
Is that being too in your masculine of controlling the situation or do you just, like, step back and walk away from the conversation because they're not in their masculine?
26:36
So the shift I would do is to have it feel like it's their idea.
26:41
So I wouldn't lead and be like, so if you want to get to know me, like I would say something like, you know, hey, it's like I'm happy we went, we connected on the app.
26:52
So it's been, you know, nice texting with you.
26:54
My preference is to get to know people in person to see if there's a connection.
27:00
You know, if you're open for that smiley face and then it's like you just leave it there.
27:04
So they may say like, no, I'm not open for that or they may say, yeah, great.
27:10
Yeah, I would love to get to know you in person.
27:12
Let's, you know, let's get drinks or something like that.
27:15
So just really being able to like leave it there where you don't have to because that's all too.
27:20
Like sometimes guys are trying to be polite like we don't always know what's going on in their end because, you know, there's some, I've had experiences where, you know, when I was on the apps, I would go on a date and it felt like, well, maybe I would have talked to this person a tiny bit more and, like, saw this red flag, like, in the messaging, I wouldn't have gone out with them or something like that because they asked me out really fast.
27:41
And so I think also too, like, sometimes guys are, you know, wanting to feel into the dynamic, but that's why I, you know, and I know there's some dating coaches who are big on like, oh, the first date should be dinner high investment or whatever.
27:55
But I, I'm actually of the opposite camp where I think we have to respect our time and our boundaries and you always want to give yourself an exit point.
28:02
So doing something quick where it can be coffee, you know, I, I don't know about ice cream.
28:08
You can do ice cream something like if they suggest a restaurant and, you know, it's like a sit down restaurant where there's a server you saying like, yeah, you know, I'd love to, you know, I would love to meet in person.
28:19
Like, do you have like, do you know anywhere where we can get a quick bite?
28:22
Like I have about an hour tonight or like, I'll have about an hour, you know, I'll have, I'll have until 730 or whatever.
28:29
I mean, you don't even need to lock yourself in like that, but just making sure you set yourself where you'd be able to leave if you need it to, this is all so good.
28:36
I love how you started this with like, just like leaving it open, like setting, you know, speaking your truth about what you want, what you're calling into and being honest about this is what I'm really looking for just by setting the tone with like, hey, my preference is to meet someone in person, then taking it to that place.
28:52
And also, you know, having honoring your boundaries of what you're comfortable with when it comes to meeting someone in person, you know, what does that really look like?
29:00
Because, you know, first impressions are hard and you know, they're also, I think one thing that I like to remember, especially I started to remember when I was dating, I was like, they're also going through their own emotional experience.
29:11
Like, as much as these men are also putting themselves out there, they are also going through a lot of rejections, especially like a really good intentional man.
29:18
Like I've heard men also say, hey, I'm always really committed.
29:22
I'm, I'm here to do the nice things.
29:24
I open the door.
29:25
But these women walk all over me.
29:27
And so it's kind of like on both sides where they both are trying to feel out.
29:31
OK?
29:32
Is this safe?
29:32
Is this not safe?
29:33
Is this something I can lean into?
29:35
I put myself out there?
29:36
And so I think that's important to think about too and it starts with you.
29:40
So, yes.
29:41
So let's talk about that.
29:43
What does that mean?
29:43
What does it mean to that?
29:44
It starts with you.
29:45
How can we as ourselves, an individual, human, whatever gender, we define ourselves by our non gender, whatever we are, right?
29:54
Why does it start with us?
29:56
What does that mean?
29:57
So, what I would say is whenever you're unhappy with a particular reality that you're in and yeah, it's, it's rare to become unhappy with every aspect of your life.
30:09
Like a lot of times you have some aspects that are going well, some that aren't when you want to make a shift in your reality in a specific area.
30:16
The first thing you want to do is you want to get clear on what the new standards get to be.
30:21
So what precedes, you know, this up level and choosing a new reality is you have to draw a line in the sand.
30:28
And so when you look back and I'm sure anyone listening, like when you've made a significant change in your life who reached some fed up line in the sand, like, nope, we're not doing this anymore.
30:40
And that had you start to choose differently.
30:42
So let's say, for example, just to stay on topic, let's say you have been experiencing a lot of contrasts in your dating experience.
30:50
Like, you know, you haven't met anyone, it's felt frustrating, you've gotten your hopes up a lot of times and you know, you're just not happy.
30:58
So what you would want to do is get clear on what would I want my ideal scenario to look like with dating someone?
31:04
So it starts with you, you don't go out there and try to find better guys or anything.
31:08
Like you have to pull back.
31:09
So sometimes even when my clients and I start working together, I'll be like, let's pause on the dating apps like, you know, you're coming to me or you're frustrated, they're like, let's take a week or two off, like let's focus on you.
31:21
So I always start there.
31:22
You gotta get clear on what it is that you want.
31:24
So it's like if you could design the perfect scenario for how, you know, I value men are gonna pursue you.
31:31
What does that look like?
31:32
And if you're stuck here, you're like, I don't even know because you're so focused on what you have been experiencing or what you don't want the easy fixes, you just go.
31:40
Ok, well, what's the opposite of what I've been experiencing?
31:43
So let's say you've been experiencing guys just wanting to text and not actually ask you out or they just, they're looking for a pen pal or they're looking to just connect on Instagram, right?
31:55
OK.
31:55
So what would be the opposite of that?
31:57
I wanna attract a guy who is going to be very clear and clearly opt me out.
32:03
He's going to, you know, want to get to strike while the iron is hot, like it's not gonna be two weeks later and he's gonna want to very soon after we connect, ask me on a date, get something on the calendar where I don't have to wonder if it's gonna happen or not.
32:16
It's very clear.
32:17
Ok, that's what I want.
32:19
That's what I'm available for.
32:20
And so then it's like, ok, well, who do I get to be, to be a match for that?
32:24
Because our desires also require something from us?
32:27
And so it's like, ok, well, then I get to stop entertaining this, right.
32:32
So what part of me has been available for this?
32:34
Oh, well, I like to, you know, know that someone's interested in me.
32:38
So I've been maybe giving too much of my time or I've been scared to set a boundary.
32:42
It's like, ok, well, my new standard gets to be you know, no more than three days of texting before they ask me on a date and then you stick with that.
32:49
So that's always where I would start is getting clear on the reality you do want and starting with standards.
32:56
So another way you can think of standards is what am I available for?
32:59
What am I not available if you know?
33:01
And this is, this is definitely some like shadows stuff and it can be like not super pleasant, but it's going to help you grow.
33:08
So if you are wanting to attract your dream partner I would do this, like you can look at your current reality that you've been experiencing with dating your men or relationships and you can look at, ok, well, what standards have I have that have led to this?
33:22
Right?
33:22
Or like, what have I been available?
33:24
I've been available for inconsistent commu I've been available for lying.
33:29
I've been available for not following through, you know, no accountability, stuff like that.
33:34
And then it's about, you know, for forgetting yourself, making peace with it, extracting the lessons and then really focusing on, ok, so that was yesterday, this is today, what am I available for?
33:44
And when my clients do this, they have very quick shifts because you have to decide before anything can change in your physical reality.
33:53
You have to make a decision.
33:54
So you're like everything you want, who's on the other, other side of the decision you haven't made yet.
34:00
So anyone listening, what decision are you going to make right now about the reality you get to experience in your life?
34:07
Yeah.
34:08
Thank you for all of that.
34:09
That was oh, good.
34:11
I, I just had these like flashback moments of like when I was like going through this process and I, when I wanted to raise my standards, like I did not entertain anything less than my standards.
34:21
I also just think about this with like everything in my life now, to be honest, even like friendships, even business relationships, like what kind of dynamic or connection or standard do I want to have with my life?
34:34
So if I can uphold that for myself, others are going to meet me in that.
34:38
I think we forget that.
34:40
Like, oh, if I hold myself up to the standard that no one's going to meet me in that, no, if anything, it teaches others how to meet you in that because we're constantly like if we continue to entertain the standards that are leaving us with unemotional men or not giving us the kinds of results that we're asking for our lives or our reality doesn't feel the way that we wanted to feel.
35:00
If we continue to entertain that, that's all of these people know, right?
35:04
The kinds of connections that you're connecting with because you're also allowing it.
35:08
And I think that's the hardest part to your point, like the shadowy work stuff, the, the reality that we have to step into as individuals and become aware of and also accept and acknowledge and start to shift for ourselves if you really want something different.
35:23
Yeah.
35:23
You know why?
35:24
That's so hard to the standards.
35:26
These is because it requires letting go.
35:30
So people are gonna fall away.
35:32
It requires letting go of what's known and familiar.
35:35
Even if it's not good for you, if we tend to gravitate toward what's familiar and then we rationalize and go, oh, well, it's not that bad.
35:43
But when you upgrade your standard people structure like things fall away too.
35:53
So that's you do that in every area of your life because you know, you're like, ok, you know, whoever is supposed to meet me here will and actually people are going to fall away, but I'm creating space for what I ultimately want, aligned with me right now.
36:09
100%.
36:09
And for those that are listening, I think it's just important to think about what is it, what does it feel like to be met in those ways?
36:16
So that in itself is going to be such a beautiful moment to be like, wow, like I have these moments now in my relationship where I'm like, wait, did you just do that?
36:25
Like, it's almost like shocking, you know what I mean?
36:28
Like those moments when you start to be met in ways you've never been met in relationship and you're like, I've always wanted this, I've heard that this is possible and now I'm receiving it like that's like it's another thing.
36:38
And so those are listening like it's also just remembering that you, you've created this new standard and yes, it's OK to, it's, you're going to be met in that.
36:47
And when you're met in that, it's like two puzzle pieces colliding and they become one.
36:51
It's just, it's so beautiful when your parts start to be like the different parts within you are like, wow, I feel, seen, heard and love and understood in ways that I've never been, felt before, but it takes us raising our standard.
37:03
Yeah.
37:03
And then you're like, it's all worth it.
37:05
You know, that because you don't, there's not always something that falls in its place.
37:09
And this is why a lot of women who I work with women in my audience who are, you know, in situationships.
37:16
So a dynamic where it's like we're kind of started dating it more casual.
37:19
It's hard for people to like go up that because there's still some familiarity, there's a pattern to it.
37:26
There's predictability and you know, you do get to let go of things to create space.
37:31
But the tricky part is, isn't that you also have to be OK with being by yourself for a minute because it's not like, OK, I'm gonna end it with my situation and then someone's going to knock on your door and like sneak you off your feet.
37:43
Like there may be a period of time.
37:45
It could be mu you sometimes to be met with what you ultimately deserve it.
37:50
Sometimes it takes time, but it's not really about time.
37:53
It's about that alignment and really choosing yourself totally.
37:57
And I, and I also think about like, yes, it can take years, you know, and is it like the years of reliving the same story over again?
38:04
Which one's harder versus just like creating this deeper relationship with yourself?
38:08
Right?
38:09
Like at the end of the day, like which one would you choose?
38:12
Yes, our ego is going to choose the one that's like, familiar because we're so used to reliving the same stories over and over again.
38:18
But what we're talking about here is creating a new relationship with what's not familiar and even though it looks challenging, it's difficult, it quote unquote won't hurt us as much as the current story that we're living and, yeah, totally.
38:31
And it's also too, I feel like it comes down to like, the instant gratification versus long term satisfaction.
38:36
So, oh, let's talk about that.
38:38
Yeah, like in a, you know, a situation that can feel really good to get that, do that dopamine hit where it's like, oh he texted, he wants to see me.
38:47
Right?
38:47
But ultimately you're dissatisfied because you don't have the love you want, you don't have that relationship.
38:53
You don't have that person who wants to go to life with you.
38:56
But in the moment, oh, it can feel so good to, you know, have someone to hook up with or someone to view it.
39:01
And so a lot of times when it comes to raising your standard that does mean giving up what feels good in the moment or what you ultimately want.
39:09
It's kind of like other examples, health and fitness, right?
39:12
It's like, oh, in this moment I want to crush this whole bag of chips.
39:15
Like that would just be so nice to zone out, watch TV, eat this whole thing that would feel good right now.
39:21
But what I ultimately want is to be confident in my bathing, to feel, you know, to feel really good about the way I look and all the work I put into myself.
39:31
So this sucks.
39:32
So I'm gonna, you know, tie up the bag with the little clip on it, like put it back in the cabinet and do that out of love for myself.
39:39
So I'm willing to let it be hard now for ultimately for it to be like easier down the road because situationships like it, I don't know of many where it's gotten easier and more time has gone on.
39:52
I really don't know.
39:54
Me neither.
39:56
You know, situationships are such, they're so they're so hard, you know, and I think it's also just getting really curious with what part of you also loves the situationship because I think there's also a part of us that's also craving to be in the situationship because not fully on board with the commitment, that's a whole another conversation, but would love to also just quickly chat before we start to wrap up here is what are some of the other really, like, maybe like limiting beliefs that are really getting in the way of women stepping into this version of themselves, really creating that deep love with the man that is intentional, that is committed, that is emotionally available, that is willing to create that relationship, to hold the container for the kind of love that we that we ultimately want, I feel like when you've lived your whole life and you know, similar to your mind story where it's like we constantly were outsourcing our worth and validation.
40:53
Like it can be really hard to like fully be yourself because there was always an element to being performative, right?
41:01
And it's a survival mechanism and that's how I really struggled with people pleasing like literally up until I was 29 because I was so scared to ever be rejected.
41:11
Like I was the person who I was like, I just wanna be like, no matter what type of thing.
41:16
And so I had so many friends, but it was, it's like, what were these friendships built on if I wasn't being completely authentic?
41:24
And I was really good at, you know, being able to kind of contour myself to who I need to be like, oh, this person's really funny.
41:31
I can be fun.
41:31
Let me turn that up.
41:32
Oh, they're really smart.
41:33
Let me like, very calculated show that I'm really smart.
41:37
And so I think the fear is like, when you heal that pattern is being like, holy crap, can I be, can I be all of me and be loved for them?
41:45
And, you know, like, one of my significant relationships I remember in the break up where he was just saying like, really mean things like on the way out type of thing.
41:55
But those are the things that stick with you, I remember, you know, him saying something like, oh, I saw parts of you that I didn't like.
42:01
And so, you know what I know now is like that, you know, just wasn't the right relationship and that he, you know, said things to me, you know, and it's like to hurt people.
42:11
But it, it's like he said things to me from, you know, with the goal to make me feel insecure, right?
42:17
It's not like it was constructive feedback and some of them like stuck with like he had said like, oh, you're probably gonna be like my sister and not, you know, get married until your thirties.
42:26
And I was 25 at the time.
42:28
He told me I was a bad kids or like, yeah, all this stuff on the way out.
42:32
But I remember the one that stuck with me was him being like, you know, when I, when we were first together, I really thought you could be the, the one, you know, the wife for me.
42:41
But the more I saw, you know, I just made, you know, I just like I didn't see it or whatever however he said it.
42:49
So there's what he said and there's what I decided about myself from it.
42:53
So I decided about myself back then was like, oh all of me like that.
42:58
If I show all of that then like, they're gonna change their mind about, you know, they're gonna walk away and what I realized years later was like, well, the only way that would happen is if I'm inauthentic from out of the gate.
43:09
So how so my goal was like, being my most authentic self right away.
43:14
And my experience with dating Ryan, it was so breezy and easy because I was myself, I was so unattached.
43:21
I was in this beautiful healed place where it was like, this is me, take it or leave it.
43:25
And I always admired women who could be like that, but I could not, I was not ready to be like that.
43:31
I had not gone within myself.
43:34
So the number one thing I would say is like, be you upfront, like, of course, you know, the longer we date someone like more, you know, like Ryan and I burp around each other now where it's like, of course, we wouldn't have done that like on our first date or anything like that.
43:48
But in general, the more upfront you can be and unapologetic you can be about yourself.
43:54
Not only the more confident you'll feel because you know, you're being congruent, you're not, you're not putting on an act, you're not going to feel like you're going to a freaking like movie audition every time you go on a date, but you're gonna just feel really at peace with yourself.
44:06
And so that would be the number one thing is like, challenge yourself and be like, how can I be really authentic in this moment.
44:12
You know, I'm nervous.
44:13
But how can I still be me?
44:15
How can I like if m and I aren't a fit?
44:18
That's perfect.
44:19
Great.
44:20
But how can I be only myself in this moment?
44:23
And that comes with meeting yourself first before someone else can meet you?
44:28
So good.
44:29
I'm so glad you brought that because that's the entire purpose of the podcast.
44:31
You know, it's like really inviting someone into their, like most authentic selves.
44:35
And it's so important.
44:38
I've talked, I, when I was coaching clients, I, I remember having this one specific conversation too.
44:42
It was like, they were actually in the middle of a relationship and they were breaking up and he was going through the stages of like, I didn't, I didn't know these parts of you before.
44:51
And so we had this conversation of like one, you got to give him a break because like, he wasn't aware of this before he saw you as this thing.
44:59
And so, like, now he's kind of like waking up into these other things, things as you're stepping into your authentic self and it won't be an alignment and the relationship fell away.
45:07
But if you can start at the beginning as your fullest authentic expressed self, it's like you're going to attract a person that's going to love all of that.
45:17
And if anything as that person gets to know you more like it seems like as you and Ryan, for example, have gone together to know him more.
45:23
It's like, wow, I love that part of you.
45:24
You know what I mean?
45:25
Like, there isn't a part of you that they're like, I don't have capacity to hold.
45:30
They're like, I want more of that.
45:31
I think that's also some of the work on men's work side is to learn how to be with the feminine and all this stuff that comes with the feminine, which is probably like a whole another conversation.
45:39
But for the purpose of this, it's just like lean into just being you and that starts with like you being comfortable with all the parts within yourself, like really loving and admiring the most parts that you admire and also loving and being with the messy ones.
45:55
Because if we start to love the messy ones, it's so much easier to bring that and be unattached because no one can say anything about the parts within us, right?
46:03
Because we love them so much.
46:05
Like no one can take that away how someone responds to.
46:08
That doesn't matter.
46:09
at the end of the day because you love them.
46:11
Yeah.
46:12
Yeah.
46:12
It's so beautifully said.
46:14
Yeah, so good.
46:16
Well, I would love for you to share first.
46:18
Thank you so much for such a great conversation.
46:20
Like, feel like we could have talked for hours and I'm like now and what I love about this conversation too is like, I've learned so much about you and I resonate with so much too.
46:29
And even though we talk so much, just a couple and then times we've talked like I just am so grateful for this conversation.
46:36
I would love for you to share.
46:37
How can someone connect with you, find you?
46:39
What are you up to these days so they can follow you and learn some?
46:43
Well, I hang out on Instagram a lot so I love lifting content on there almost every day So you can follow me on there.
46:51
My handle, my name is at the Mindful Babe or you could search Valerie Adams and it will probably come up.
46:57
But I love being on there.
46:59
I also have a podcast called the Mindful Babe Podcast on Spotify and Apple podcasts.
47:06
So I yeah, have a ton on there.
47:09
I think I have like 100 and 50 episodes or more on the.
47:13
So hopefully you'll find something on there to listen to.
47:15
I also have.
47:16
So if you're into journaling, I have a free, it's called the 30 Journal Prompts to attract an emotionally available man.
47:23
So kind of like we were talking about upgrading your standards, these drags and help you get super clear.
47:30
So you're into and you don't have to do all 30.
47:32
Like you could just find one that but definitely I'll, I'll send you the link, the link that might also have a free training called the five types of emotionally unavailable men to avoid.
47:46
So that's a cool like 25 minute training app that you can get in access to.
47:51
If you just want to know what to be on the lookout for, you can start attracting an emotionally available man.
47:56
So those are my main places and then I work with clients one on one.
47:59
I have a program coming out so all of that and they can see.
48:02
So you'll send me the links and stuff because I'll put on the show notes.
48:05
But I'm curious this is all available on your Instagram as well.
48:08
OK, cool.
48:09
So they could find everything there.
48:10
Yeah.
48:11
Yeah.
48:11
How about all there?
48:12
Amazing.
48:13
Yeah, I think those two free, the one freebie that you talked about.
48:16
Sounds amazing.
48:17
Anyone should do those prompts.
48:18
I was so we're in the middle of a move.
48:20
We're going to be moving to Saint Clementi and I came across this book that I use when I was single, single is like your superpower by I'm blinking on his name, but he basically created like this journal and it was like all about what we talked about here, which was the standards, the values like the journal prompts.
48:37
So and it was just so nice to have that structure.
48:40
So I really encourage anyone that's listening to, go to your Instagram to go get that, that, that those three journal prompts because it's the thought provoking questions that make us more aware to when we're not meeting ourselves in that, right?
48:52
It's like, oh, I wrote this thing down.
48:53
They're not doing it and know that.
48:56
Yeah, it's like information is great, but the true transformation comes when you uncover the answers within yourself.
49:03
And so that's what I love about journaling because you may think, oh, I know that or I've thought about this before, but you would be so surprised what comes up when you just in the paper, you know?
49:14
OK, let me ponder this.
49:16
Like that can reveal so much.
49:18
So I live, I haven't heard of that, that book.
49:20
I, I, he does a lot of things.
49:23
He's like, really you might know this.
49:25
He's really no known on Instagram for like posting like words and signs around the city and like he usually has like his Instagram.
49:32
You seen him a lot.
49:32
No one literally I think or something or a single is your superpower.
49:41
Everyone can listen while I'm doing this.
49:43
I can find it might be like shouting at me.
49:45
Yeah, they're like, this is who it is.
49:48
Is this it?
49:49
Yeah, this is it.
49:50
But who's the owner?
49:52
What the heck?
49:53
Who's the author?
49:54
I'm going to just drop the link and send it to you.
49:57
New mindset.
49:58
This, it doesn't say who wrote it.
50:00
And he's really big on Instagram.
50:03
Oh Ke Kenny.
50:04
OK.
50:05
Yeah, my client and I were just talking about him.
50:07
She was just like he post, he has like the ball, right?
50:12
Like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I did this like years ago and I just came across and I opened it up and I was like, babe, these are my nonnegotiable and I was reading it out to Nick and he was like, I was like, wow, you took all of them.
50:25
I'm so grateful.
50:26
Wow.
50:27
Yeah.
50:27
Such a great place to invest your time with your looking to attract your partner.
50:33
It's like going within yourself.
50:35
Like, the universe really rewards clarity.
50:37
And the way I look at it is like if you go to a restaurant, you're not going to tell your server.
50:41
Yeah, I want a meal, bring me Amelia and say the chicken parmesan, no cheese, like you know, whatever.
50:47
And so that's the power of journaling and stuff.
50:51
So that looks like a good book too.
50:53
Yeah, always recommend going within yourself for totally.
50:57
And like you get to like place your order with the universe or praise your order to God or like place your order with this world, right?
51:03
It's like we get to find what that order is.
51:05
It's like, yes, there's a menu, there's a lot of options and which one do you want?
51:10
Yeah.
51:11
So yeah, it was amazing.
51:13
So yeah, again, go check out Valerie's prompt, prompts on her Instagram and we'll make sure to put them in the show notes.
51:18
But thank you so much for coming on.
51:20
It was such, again, such a pleasure to have you.
51:22
And I feel so energized from the conversation.
51:26
You too.
51:26
Yeah.
51:27
So good.
