Full Transcript
0:00
Welcome to the Fully Expressed Podcast with Karenna.
0:03
This is the show where we have conversations that invite you into living a life, fully express, really finding relationships where you feel fully expressed and also, you know, creating a professional career or business where you can feel fully expressed.
0:17
And so we have these conversations where we generally just dive into different stories, healing modalities about how other people are getting to a place of living a life fully expressed.
0:28
Today’s episode is really sweet.
0:30
I have a very special guest.
0:33
Her name is Beth and Beth is someone that I met at a retreat a couple of years ago.
0:39
And I swear, I think that retreat was absolutely life changing, not just for me, but I think everyone and so I’ve talked about this on the podcast, but I feel like everyone that gets to come on this podcast are people that I met at retreats retreats and in person events are life changing as much as even like I would say like group containers or even online.
0:59
But there’s just something out in person when you just be so seen, so vulnerable.
1:04
You’re like, wait, I didn’t know this could happen.
1:06
And so we met at that exact retreat and then we friends ever since then and Beth has just been a part of my life and I love witnessing her from a distance and she is such a gem.
1:18
So I’m so excited for her to share her story with you because I think it’s just going to serve so many people in all the different ways.
1:26
So with that being said, hi, Beth, would you like to introduce yourself?
1:30
Hello, Karenna.
1:31
Oh my God.
1:32
About the retreat.
1:34
I’m just like, it really was so transformative.
1:37
That was actually my first retreat I ever went on.
1:39
Really?
1:40
Yes, I think it was mine too.
1:42
Was it?
1:43
I think I’ve done like women’s circles before that but not like a full day retreat.
1:47
I was like, yeah, that was my first one too.
1:50
Yes, it was so special.
1:52
I mean, obviously I got to meet you and we just connected.
1:55
I just pera in person is just, you’re so wonderful.
1:59
You just like this too.
2:00
But just feeling in your energy and feeling so safe and being around people that are like minded.
2:05
It was something I had never experienced before in that way.
2:08
And everyone being so vulnerable and man, the people on that retreat.
2:12
I we still keep in touch with so many of them and it’s really transformed my life.
2:16
So I’m so glad I got to meet you there.
2:18
And yeah, so I’m a a trauma informed life coach and a breath work facilitator.
2:23
I like to call myself an empowerment and self love coach.
2:27
So I work one among clients and in group settings.
2:30
And then I’ve facilitated a couple in person retreats, which truly is my favorite part or the in person things.
2:36
And I just help people come back home to themselves, loving all versions of themselves through healing and some somatic work and really just self discovery and helping people know like they’re just because they’re feeling anxiety or depression or, you know, a big emotion doesn’t mean there’s anything going wrong with them.
2:53
It’s just learning how to manage.
2:55
So that’s most of the work that I do and I just love it so much.
2:58
Thank you so much for sharing all of that.
3:00
I think what you’re doing is so important and just that fact, like there’s nothing wrong with you.
3:05
It’s just like how do you have the tools to be with it and manage it, which I think we’re not taught about enough.
3:11
We’re not talked about enough, you know, how to be with all of that that comes with that.
3:16
And then there’s all those shame spirals and guilt that I’m like, I have anxiety, I’m depressed.
3:21
You know, it just keeps us in that.
3:23
Yeah, we’re not taught in school how to manage our emotions.
3:26
We’re not taught what to do with anxiety or overwhelm or burnout.
3:31
And so when it happens, you’re like your body feels it and my old system to be like something’s going wrong.
3:36
There’s a problem with me or I don’t want to feel this.
3:38
So I need to take something in order to not feel it.
3:41
And now that I’ve learned how to embody and express all my emotions, I realize that’s the human experience and of this bull is here.
3:49
I love myself for having this.
3:50
Now, where is it taking me?
3:51
Where does it, where do I need healing?
3:53
What, what was my body need to come back to safety instead of I wish I didn’t have this anxiety.
3:58
You know, anxiety was a big one that I juggled with a lot in my life where I learned like how to manage it and welcome it.
4:06
Well, I’d love to either start there or even start like where we met at the retreat.
4:09
I feel like you were, how much however much you want to share.
4:12
But like, yeah, how was it for you when he recognized that you had so much anxiety and you know, what kind of kicked off learning about that or like wanting to work through that?
4:21
Yeah, I’m trying to think where, where it would be best to go.
4:25
Let’s see.
4:26
Well, with my anxiety, it wasn’t until just a few years ago that I learned that I needed to go back to the root of where that began.
4:34
And that was my inner child.
4:36
I grew up in Southern California where there was earthquakes.
4:39
And as a little child, as a little girl, they were mostly in the middle of the night.
4:42
And so I started getting really, really anxious to go to sleep and that anxiety just stayed with me.
4:48
And then when I finally pinpointed it to the root, and I was to be able to go back to that little girl and help her feel safe and loved.
4:54
It made it huge difference.
4:55
And then in my own work with coaching, just learning how to process and allow emotions was huge, you know, naming the emotion, this is anxiety.
5:03
I’m experiencing anxiety, whereas in my body going in the body, right?
5:07
And just letting yourself welcome yourself into feeling it and then getting curious and allowing it to be there just takes so much charge out of the emotion and then just being so loving and compassionate with myself, it’s ok.
5:21
This is here.
5:22
But when I went on the retreat, I had just launched my coaching business maybe four months prior.
5:28
And I was going through a difficult time in my marriage, but no one really knew.
5:33
So like I launched my business, my marriage started to really a turn for the worse rug was swept out from under me and I was living in survival mode.
5:43
But this was before I knew anything about nervous system regulation.
5:46
Like I was a mindset coach, it was like change your thoughts and then you could change your feelings, which is so destructive doesn’t necessarily work that way.
5:56
Right.
5:56
And so for a long time, I tried to mindset my way through ignoring the signals of my body to try to save my marriage.
6:03
And I couldn’t figure out why this coaching model wasn’t working.
6:06
You know, like if I think that then I’ll feel this way and everything will be ok.
6:11
And so, yeah, I just followed my intuition and went on this retreat and I was in survival mode, total fight or flight.
6:19
I had just gotten more definitely ST news about my relationship.
6:22
And I just remember driving there, I didn’t know a soul.
6:24
I had never worked with the coach, never met anybody that was going on the retreat, but I knew that I needed that retreat and it was the first time I could stand up before people and it felt so safe, just the energy of everyone to vulnerably express everything that I was going through.
6:41
And I had had a therapist at the time, but it was different.
6:44
It was being able to voice what was happening and to have people hold space and not judge me was really powerful and to have all that support, all I felt was just just this overwhelming love from total strangers.
6:57
It was beautiful.
6:58
So, yeah, I learned that retreat.
7:01
I was introduced to breathwork and that was a crazy experience my first time and then the cold plunging.
7:06
Now today is like a part of my everyday practice for healing modalities and breath work is something that I do with my clients at almost every session.
7:15
Yeah.
7:15
Thank you so much for sharing all that because I feel like you talked to so many things like the fact that like expressing these parts of you that were just like buried underneath or being stuffed down or suppressed and then just having like the right space for it to just be loved on and supported, you know, and you even shared like at the beginning, you did that with your inner child.
7:35
So there’s this thing that you’re talking to so much about how you can be with the different parts of you and express it.
7:41
But really what these parts of us want is just to be loved, seen, heard and understood, not that they necessarily want to be changed, but there’s just so much power in allowing them just to be like, just be or allow them just to be expressed like you were talking to be aware that those parts are there.
7:57
Yes.
7:58
But like, I think so many of us were just kind of walking around and we’re like, why do I feel this way?
8:02
Why am I like this?
8:03
Why do I, why can’t I seem to get through this?
8:06
And it’s really just parts of us that are like, hey, like I’m here, you know, so learning to go back and be with those arts has been, I think inner child work has probably been the most magical healing modality for me.
8:19
And it’s not like you heal your inner child, right?
8:21
It’s a consistent, ongoing process of checking back in and loving them.
8:26
And I just, I just want to like tell everyone and help them because the peace you feel and the security and safety is like nothing I ever experienced because I never knew that’s what was, what was missing, right?
8:39
How did it feel back when before this all happened?
8:42
Right?
8:42
You were talking about like before I even knew these tools and you were just honestly just doing a life like, you know, showing up for your kids, showing up for your responsibilities, showing up for your marriage, you know, showing up for just life, things like what did it feel like in those moments before you got these tools before you became aware before you knew that this was even possible.
9:01
Like I’d love to talk to that version of you.
9:03
Like, what did that feel like?
9:04
Oh my gosh, I love that question.
9:06
Thank you.
9:07
Life tip of the week that I want to drop, take your shoes off when you are outside, go put your feet on the ground.
9:17
Yes though.
9:18
Take your shoes off, put your feet in the sand, feel the earth allow your body to ground and connect with the energy and the ions that are coming from the ground into your feet.
9:28
You will love yourself for that.
9:31
Your body will love you for it.
9:33
Oh, do it today.
9:35
I love that version of me too because she was so lost and trying to do everything perfect.
9:42
I have four kids and my anxiety really peaked around 2017.
9:48
All my kids had gone to school and for the first time I wanted to do something for me.
9:54
I wanted to coach the high school cheer team.
9:56
I’m a college cheerleader.
9:58
My girls were going to be doing that sport and I got approached to ask to do that to coach and brought it to my ex.
10:06
Now my husband at the time saying I really want to do this.
10:09
I felt excited.
10:10
I wanted to do it and I was met with, well, I don’t really want you to do that, but if you really want to, I’ll support you.
10:17
And so it was one of those things that I was like, wait, I could have something for me.
10:20
Like I raised the kids, they’re all in school now.
10:23
And so ultimately, I went ahead and took this job and this program was just mess when I first came into it.
10:29
And so it did take a lot of energy and I was making new changes and adding, actually holding the girls accountable and discipline and just trying to revamp this whole program to make it the best that I could.
10:40
And that came with a lot of added stress.
10:42
And so I started struggling to manage my anxiety.
10:45
I couldn’t sleep at night.
10:47
The laundry was, I was like feeling behind on things.
10:49
I was, you know, having some friction with my partner because, you know, my time was being, you know, divided a little bit.
10:56
And so I started taking Xanax.
10:58
I don’t know if I ever told you this story.
11:00
No.
11:01
So I started taking a half of Xanax at night to sleep and it was like a magic pill, right?
11:08
Like it put me out, I slept so good and but I hit it like I didn’t tell my husband that I was taking it.
11:15
I didn’t tell anyone about it.
11:17
And then it got to where I would try not to take it at night and I couldn’t, I would go stay up all night and I had insomnia some like a battle in my head because the anxiety or throughout the day, I’d be like, I’m not going to take the Xanax.
11:28
I don’t need the Xanax and then as the day would go on and on and on, I just, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
11:32
It was like I needed it to help me manage the anxiety.
11:36
And so it was about a six month period where I, I started taking it every night.
11:40
Well, then what happened was I started getting brain fog.
11:43
I started earlier in the day needing something more.
11:46
So what was I doing?
11:47
I was just pushing the anxiety down.
11:50
And at that time, I started finding some life coaching tools.
11:53
I started listening to some podcasts and hearing about the emotion and trying to process it.
11:59
And so I was finally able to start to practice that and come off the anxiety or come off the Xanax because I had to sit in the discomfort and we’re not taught to sit in the discomfort.
12:11
But once I learned that tool, so, but I went, it might have been, it was maybe six months to a year that I really felt like I was in a fog just doing all the things looking like everything was great.
12:21
But inside, I was not OK.
12:23
That what you just said right there, I could resonate so much, you know, looking like on the outside that I everything’s fine, you know, you know, rolling through life in the way of like I’m showing up for everything, executing on everything.
12:35
But like internally it’s a mess like I’m struggling, it’s chaotic.
12:40
It’s too much I can’t manage.
12:42
It’s just, it’s wild how we can have those two different worlds almost be completely separate, but they’re happening at the same time for us.
12:49
You don’t feel safe in your body.
12:51
You’re just like you don’t feel in control, you don’t feel like you can manage.
12:56
And my inner critic, which I learned later what the inner critic is but was being like, Beth, you should be able to handle all this.
13:03
What’s your problem?
13:04
What is the inner critic or anyone like that?
13:08
Yeah.
13:08
So we all have this voice in our head.
13:10
It’s a part of us and some people like to name their inner critic like a name that they don’t like.
13:16
And I don’t even want to say a name to offend anyone who might be listening, but you can name it like an ugly name that you don’t like.
13:22
And this part of us, this voice in our head is not us.
13:26
So we’re born inherently worthy.
13:29
And then the only thing that takes that away from us is when we’re told that we’re not in some way.
13:36
So it could be a parent, a teacher that tells you, you know, you’re fat or you’re not good at that or be quiet.
13:43
So you don’t be angry.
13:44
You know, it’s just that someone else telling us and then we take it on and believe it.
13:48
And so it’s that voice in our head that’s really not us, but it’s really most of the time people aren’t even aware that it’s not them, right?
13:57
And so for me, when I was young, the inner critic, it was like, you’re not good enough, right?
14:03
So then we can bring the religion, part of my story into this.
14:06
But I had a rupture when I was young in my religion that I felt like I, I was told that I had sinned, but I kept it in and just internally shamed myself.
14:15
My inner critics said you’re not good.
14:17
It’s like, not only did I do something bad, I was bad.
14:20
And so then I had to make up for it the rest of my life.
14:23
And so that a critic is the one that’s trying to tell us, you know, we look in the mirror at the gym and you might notice some cellulite or you notice the zit on your face or you’re like, oh my eyes are too small or I don’t like this or that.
14:34
That’s the inner critic talking to us and we’re not aware of it.
14:38
It can become this big huge part of our brain that can overpower us from our really our true essence.
14:45
So yeah, no, it totally makes sense.
14:49
So thank you for sharing that.
14:50
I think I have a very, very vivid memory that keeps coming up recently.
14:54
Like, so as I’m stepping into speaking, as I’m stepping, I’ve always wanted to sing too.
14:59
And I vividly remember my mom, I started singing and I vividly remember my mom saying like, don’t talk or like something like stop singing.
15:06
But I took that as like, oh, I’m a bad singer.
15:09
And so like talking to what you were talking about, like whenever I would sing now I’m like, oh, I don’t sound good like you are judging me because I’m not singing or like, I don’t want to sing.
15:17
I don’t want to use my voice.
15:19
And so, but that moment was the way that I perceived that as negative as bad, you know, I’m like, you know, that for you and then I want to just take little Kenna and be like, yeah, you’re perfect.
15:30
You’re beautiful.
15:31
Use your voice, you know.
15:33
Yeah.
15:33
Yeah.
15:34
No, I appreciate that.
15:35
And I think, you know, spending time with her is best thing I can do is to, like, try to almost like rework that event in a different way, right?
15:44
The way I perceived it was bad.
15:45
But at the end of the day, my mom generally probably was busy.
15:48
She wasn’t saying don’t use your voice, your voice is ugly, blah, blah, blah, even though that’s how I received it at the time.
15:57
So thanks, I’d love to learn a little bit more if you’re like, talking about the religious trauma you’re talking about because this is something that as I’ve worked with clients, they didn’t even realize that was thing.
16:09
And I’ve, I’ve even gone through my own religious awareness or breakthroughs because I was like, I feel guilty because I’m not showing up in the way that God or Jesus wants me to be or however the church would explain things.
16:20
So I’d love to hear a little bit more about your story.
16:22
I would love to share it because I do think I really love speaking to this because I didn’t even wasn’t even aware I had religious trauma until a few years ago.
16:30
And I was just like I have no beef with the church that I left.
16:34
Like there’s a lot of great, there was good things with it and I had a happy childhood, loving parents and there’s something wrong here until I really dug deep.
16:43
And I actually just published a book with 10 other women that where I write in depth about my religious experience.
16:50
and it was so healing to be able to write that book and then so freaking vulnerable to put it out into the world and have everybody reading about as Gary.
17:00
Yeah, I had a v vulnerability attack and now I realize like it, it was beautiful, how beautiful to have a vulnerability attack to be seen and, and just to let myself feel that and to know that it’s for a deeper purpose.
17:15
So my story is I think I was seven or eight and I was the youngest of six kids in a strict Mormon household, loving parents still have great relationship with my parents today.
17:26
And, but the rupture was which I literally hid this for my whole life until and I’ll tell the story because I had so much shame around it.
17:36
I couldn’t even talk to my coach about it.
17:38
Even I, I would say how many years ago is this three years ago?
17:41
So this is like, you know, I’m 43.
17:44
This was something I held on to for a really long time.
17:46
Just shows you what the shame the shame that lives in your body so impactful that is.
17:51
But we were having a little family meeting.
17:53
It’s called family home evening and, and my dad had a list of sins printed out on a piece of paper and he was just going through what, you know, the sins that we weren’t supposed to do and one of the sins was masturbation.
18:07
And I didn’t even know what that big word was.
18:09
I could read, but I didn’t even know what it was.
18:11
And then when I read the description, you know, to give yourself pleasure, it was like this instant like I had, I did that, but I did know I had done it like I didn’t even know that it was wrong.
18:22
And I remember like sitting, I still remember sitting in that moment and looking around at my siblings, like, can anyone tell that I did that?
18:30
And my parents tell that I did this and feeling so dirty and so bad and I didn’t say anything.
18:37
And then also I remember on the list was the ones that you had to go before a bishop to be able to be forgiven.
18:42
So some sins you could take care of just between you and God pray and repent and you’re forgiven.
18:47
But there were certain sins, you know, sexual sins, masturbation, those kinds of things.
18:52
You had to talk to a bishop in order to be clean again.
18:55
And masturbation was on there.
18:56
And I just remember feeling like, what am I going to do?
18:59
I literally, I can’t tell anybody about this.
19:01
I’m so bad.
19:02
Nobody else has done this.
19:04
You know, I felt so alone.
19:05
And I remember running up to the bathroom after the meeting was over and shutting my door and just looking at the paper and thinking there’s no way I could tell, man.
19:13
I mean, I’m like seven or eight years old.
19:14
Right.
19:14
Yeah, I was going to ask how old you were?
19:16
That’s seven or eight.
19:17
And I think the bishop in our ward at the time was, was a friend of my parents and I was like, I could never tell him.
19:23
And I just remember feeling so like I was just dirty and not working and then, and then I just decided I’m gonna do everything perfect to make up for this.
19:34
I can’t confess this, but I’m gonna, I’m gonna fix it by being perfect in every other way in my life.
19:39
And that’s where the perfectionist achiever was born.
19:43
Wow.
19:44
That decided I will never sin.
19:46
I will never do anything.
19:47
My parents don’t want me to do.
19:48
I will get straight A’s.
19:49
I will be, you know, all so I will check all the boxes.
19:53
And so, you know, it’s not like I thought about this every day, but I carried it with me.
19:58
And so then when I would go into seminary when I was older and they would talk about repentance and how, if you’re not repented, you’re going to be, you know, like all the threats, right, that were in the Bible about if you didn’t do that.
20:08
And so I never felt like I could be clean of it.
20:11
I would try to pray.
20:12
And then the second part of the story is, is funny, funny now, but I finally went to BYU to college away at school.
20:21
I decided, ok, now I can talk to the bishop because he doesn’t know me.
20:24
He doesn’t know my family.
20:25
It will be safe.
20:26
And I write about all this in the, in the chapter.
20:29
But I go, I make this appointment with the bishop.
20:31
It’s at his home and my heart’s racing like I don’t want to do this, but I’m so sick of holding on to this.
20:36
I just want to feel clean and he opens the door and he says, oh, hey, what are you doing here?
20:41
And I’m like, oh, I have an appointment and he’s like, oh, I don’t have you on the books and then literally inside.
20:46
I’m like, dude, I have got, you know, got to go down, I need, I need to do this now.
20:52
I need to get this off my chest.
20:53
So anyway, he ends up having me come in, I sit down with him.
20:56
I literally couldn’t tell him that I did it still.
20:59
I tried.
20:59
I was like, so my friend has a question about masturbation.
21:03
She wants to know, like, if this is something she needs to take care of with the bishop or if she can just be forgiven of it.
21:08
That’s how much shame I was carrying.
21:10
What was it?
21:11
I was like, it was so talking about shame.
21:14
Yeah.
21:14
Like, what was it?
21:15
I was embarrassed that I had touched myself like that.
21:18
Like I was taught that it was wrong that there was something wrong because I gave myself, It just felt good.
21:25
Yeah.
21:25
You know, and I was confused.
21:28
I couldn’t talk to a soul about it.
21:29
I didn’t feel safe with anyone.
21:31
I didn’t hear anyone else say, oh, I did that normal to do that.
21:36
It’s ok.
21:37
And so the bishop did tell me, well, yeah, you are supposed to, you know, tell a bishop about it, but there’s not a big repentance process.
21:43
And I was like, ok, I’ll tell her and then I left and I got in my car and I remember driving back to my apartment.
21:50
I was, I was angry.
21:52
I was like that I couldn’t do it.
21:53
I couldn’t just get rid of it.
21:55
And I’ve been like, and then I got the anger went into like, why do I have to tell a man about this?
22:01
This is my body.
22:02
I’m so freaking sick of thinking about this.
22:04
I’m just, I’m not, I’m not gonna do this anymore.
22:07
I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna feel bad about it and I drove back home but the truth is, is I still feel bad about, feel bad about it.
22:14
Yeah.
22:14
I get that too for a long time.
22:17
But I was like, it was, it was traumatic.
22:19
It was so traumatic.
22:20
And now the woman who meet today is like, you don’t have to tell anyone about anything to do with your body.
22:26
Yeah.
22:27
But I, I love to be a voice for that and I’ve talked openly about it with my kids and that it’s a natural, beautiful seeing.
22:32
It’s nothing to feel shame for.
22:34
But that sexual suppression and shame that is born in religion.
22:39
I know.
22:40
You know, Mormonism isn’t the only one.
22:41
, it really causes harm to the spirit, to the body, to the soul in a way that I just didn’t even realize how much it impacted me until later, until I started going.
22:52
Wow.
22:53
Thank you so much for sharing all of that because it’s so true.
22:57
I think what you’re talking to one thing.
22:58
Yeah.
22:59
It’s born in religion but I feel like it’s especially sexual expression or when you’re that young and you start to feel things and your body is just naturally warming things, right?
23:09
Like it’s not like we’re biologically like, you know, when we start to hit people, I remember when I would start masturbating and I would try and hide too.
23:16
I’d be like, I don’t want, you want to know.
23:18
I know this feels good.
23:19
But then there’s this, like weird voice that’s like, no, you shouldn’t be doing this.
23:24
You have to hide.
23:26
Right.
23:27
Do I know where that came from?
23:28
For me at the time?
23:29
I really don’t.
23:29
But I think it’s just also a part of our culture of like, no, totally some ways.
23:34
And I also think that, I mean, it’s so beautiful that you’re having these conversations with your kids because it normalizes.
23:42
That’s a normal thing, you know, in some way, shape or form.
23:45
It’s like it’s ok that this is happening.
23:47
And the other thing just like witness you and the fact that you carried that on for so many years and like, I’m sure that was also truly exhausting too, like constantly battling that thing that started at 76 or seven years old to the next 3040 years.
24:06
Well, yeah.
24:06
And then I didn’t, once I learned what it was, how bad it was.
24:09
I never did anything again.
24:11
Right.
24:11
So I like, yeah, explore myself sexually or didn’t feel like it was right until I, you know, got married.
24:17
So it’s like I almost feel like I robbed my own self of that exploration or allowing myself to have pleasure in a way.
24:26
Luckily it didn’t really show up in my marriage, in my, in that way.
24:30
But as I’ve shared it now and I talk about it openly, people are like me too.
24:35
I felt the same way.
24:36
I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.
24:38
Right.
24:39
And so I think it’s so, it’s so important to talk about.
24:42
Most kids.
24:43
Do.
24:44
Most adolescent, young adults are doing this yet?
24:47
They’re not talking about it and when we don’t talk about things, that’s when that’s when something becomes shameful.
24:52
So I think it’s so important to have these open conversations of.
24:55
Yeah.
24:56
I mean, do, does there need to be boundaries?
24:57
Do we do it in public?
24:58
Do we, you know, like those and how you share it?
25:01
Yeah.
25:02
Right.
25:02
How you share it and it just, I just love, I love having open dialogue and conversations with my kids so that, you know, sometimes when they bring something to me, I might have an internal reaction like they’ve asked me certain questions and I’m like, I almost, it’s like, but on the outside I’m like, OK, yeah, that’s not a problem.
25:21
Let’s talk about it.
25:22
Right.
25:23
Let me tell you about oral sex is since you’re asking natural, right?
25:27
But even as I first started into parenting different than I was parented which everything was shut, shoved under the rug.
25:33
There was no open dialogue, there was no sex conversation.
25:36
You know, my system was didn’t feel safe to do it.
25:39
And now it’s just like it’s totally and my, my body is just like, yeah, let’s talk about that.
25:44
OK, cool.
25:46
Oh This is happening to you.
25:47
Cool.
25:47
Let’s talk about it.
25:48
Yeah, I mean, I know there’s some moms that listen to this podcast and I’m just so curious, like how, what is there any advice or tips on how to have that conversation with your kids?
25:56
Like what has worked and what has been supportive and being comfortable to have those conversations in your home?
26:03
Yeah, I’d love that question.
26:05
And so for me, it was, you know, having the birds and the bees talk or like let’s talk about sex, right?
26:11
Is trying to create as much safety in the setting that we’re in of like in like casually just but speaking the words like this is what happens and saying penis and saying vagina and saying orgasm as if they’re just regular words, not like no, like calling them different things, but calling them what they are and letting them know like, listen, there’s nothing you can ask me that’s off limits and you could see like, you know, sometimes they get uncomfortable like mom, you know, I’m like, I get it, it feels uncomfortable.
26:43
I just want you to know that it’s safe to ask me anything.
26:45
And now my oldest is 18 and my youngest is he’ll be 12 this week.
26:49
And so it’s definitely evolved how I’ve done it over the years, but it’s just beautiful to when things come up, just open up the conversation.
26:59
Like think about that.
27:00
Yeah.
27:00
How does that feel to you?
27:02
Yeah.
27:02
Right.
27:02
And then talking about sex and oh, it’s such a beautiful thing.
27:05
Our bodies are so amazing.
27:07
They’re made to have pleasure you know, and so there’s a few little things sometimes where they’ll be like mom, I don’t want to talk about this and that’s ok.
27:14
, but mostly it’s them bringing stuff to me now and I love it.
27:18
I love being able to talk to them about anything and then they feel safe, you know, to come to me with things.
27:23
I think it’s so beautiful.
27:25
The first thing that kind of comes to mind as you’re talking about that, like, I could hear even like myself, like I have this internal voice of, well, if I start talking about it, will they start just having sex all the time?
27:36
You know, like this, like, fear of, like, if I normalize it and I almost giving them permission and I’d love to hear your response to that.
27:43
Yeah.
27:43
Well, that so interesting that’s coming up for you.
27:45
Corina, I wonder what’s underlying there.
27:48
No, I just think about other moms because I think when it comes to kids personally, like, I don’t have kids, but even just the fear of like, when they’re 12345 years old and they start to have conversations.
27:59
Like, how much do you say?
28:01
How much don’t you say?
28:02
Like, there is this, like part of me that’s like, what’s ok to say, oh, like the other day I, I ran into a friend and she was with her kid and he was playing, he plays baseball and I was like, I heard that you’ve been kicking and I wanted to say I heard you’ve been kicking ass.
28:17
But then there was this part of me, I was like, is that ok with how you parent your kids?
28:21
Like is it ok for me to say like, hey, I heard it’s you’re kicking ass.
28:25
Whereas I said I was like booty.
28:26
I don’t know, I just, I just got awkward, you know, because I was like, I don’t know how you parent your kids.
28:31
And I also don’t know how you feel about that.
28:33
And the mom and my friend that I was with, she’s like, oh no, he knows what that is.
28:36
We talk about it like normal in our house.
28:38
And so I think that kind of like filter or awareness I have of like, I don’t know how this is or like if this is ok.
28:48
And I also always want to respect what is the parents desires on how they raise their kids?
28:53
Right?
28:54
But back to the sex thing like, yeah, I mean my mom, she talks to me about sex all the time.
29:00
If my mom it tells you she’s like you love sex.
29:02
I love talking about sex.
29:03
I would tell her about everything and I love that she did that like I love that.
29:07
I felt safe enough to talk to her about what I heard my friends were doing, you know, or what I like me interested in like starting to have sex, like the idea of like these things and not things like she was here for all of it.
29:21
But there’s still this, like, whisper in the background or like curiosity, you know, for the parents that are thinking, well, if I talk about, will it permit it?
29:31
I know from my situation with my mom because it was so easy.
29:35
I wasn’t sleeping around, you know, I wasn’t hiding it.
29:38
It didn’t become this thing.
29:39
I didn’t want to do.
29:40
Like it was something that I chose to do in most ways growing up.
29:44
And I also had to learn how to figure all that out out, but I felt safe enough to tell her about it.
29:49
That’s beautiful.
29:50
Wow.
29:50
I love that.
29:51
She was like that for you.
29:53
Yeah, I think this is a great question.
29:55
I wanted to empower my kids to make this decision for them.
30:00
But then also is my, my responsibility to teach them the dangers to teach them how sex affects the body energetically what you’re giving to someone else, you know, being safe, you know, and I, and I did tell them, I told my older, my older girls like, listen, preferably I would not want you to have sex when you’re in high school because your brain is still developing and for all, for lots of different reasons.
30:24
However, I would never shame you for doing that.
30:27
But being a little bit older is always wiser, sell yourself more to bring yourself to safety.
30:33
So when I said that I wanted to make sure they knew like, no matter what you do, I’m gonna love you.
30:38
But it’s important to educate them on what it actually means to give your body to another person only.
30:45
And so having those conversations, I also feel too, you know, when you, you tell, tell a kid, like you are not allowed to drink alcohol, you are not allowed to have sex.
30:55
You have to, you know, when you’re really rigid, it almost makes them want to do it more totally because that’s the thing you can’t have.
31:00
Right?
31:01
And so when you’re just like, hey, you know, if you’re gonna, if you want to drink, let me know and let’s do it safely in the home when I’m here, things like that, right?
31:11
And then just letting them know like this is your life, this is your human experience and you get to choose with your comes consequences, pregnancy STD S all that they, you know, just putting yourself.
31:24
So, yeah, I’ve had a lot.
31:26
It’s, it opens up for more conversations about all that and I just really try to trust my kids and, and, and another thing I think that is so important is our reactions to their, what they’re telling us.
31:39
So back to nervous system regulation.
31:41
Like if I manage that.
31:42
Yeah.
31:43
Yeah, if I’m not in a grounded space, if I start to feel myself being getting triggered about something.
31:47
Or if I’m pretty worn out from like being on coaching sessions or whatever and then I come to them dis regulated, then they’re dysregulated.
31:56
It’s not work, it’s not happening.
31:58
This has been a huge thing that I’ve, I’ve worked on for myself is understanding when I’m not regulated.
32:03
Let’s have this conversation later and I go and I meditate or I take a 20 minute rest or I just remove myself from the situation before I come back because our reactions are everything.
32:12
Those are the things that they remember.
32:14
And just because our kids disregulation, it doesn’t mean that we have to show up in the same way we can stay calm.
32:20
Yeah, super powerful.
32:23
I am so powerful.
32:24
I hope everyone’s listening to that part really did sometimes too.
32:28
But, you know, with my own mom friends, I think we, you know, talk with each other.
32:32
I have a friend that’s like she’s just made like makes me so mad and I’m so triggered because of her and right, and I’m like, I love you so much and your triggers and your reactions are yours.
32:44
No matter what our kids are doing, it’s our responsibility to take care of our emotions.
32:48
Let me tell you, I do lose it sometimes.
32:50
Of course we’re human but me doing my own inner work and healing and learning how to get myself into a regulated state has been life changing the way I show up for my kids.
33:01
I’m so grateful every day for the tools.
33:04
Yeah.
33:04
How could a mom start that process?
33:06
Because I feel like becoming a mom is so much already.
33:11
Yeah, like there’s such an identity shift in that.
33:13
There’s such, I’ve never been through it, but I can only imagine, you know, like really stepping into this new role, you’re doing all these different things.
33:20
Your nervous system isn’t in the state of like, oh, I’ve been doing this all the time, right?
33:24
So like your nervous system just has to create capacity for what are some tools or some things that a mom could start to practice today or even just anyone that’s listening to this, it doesn’t necessarily have to be in regards to your kids.
33:38
I mean, being regulated in life is just so in your work or, you know, you have employee or that, you know, that coworker that triggers you like, yeah, awesome.
33:48
Like you get to learn how to practice how these tools on, on that or, and you know, your mother in law or, you know, whatever person is in your life.
33:56
But yeah, for moms especially, I think just dedicating even 20 minutes a day, like getting a morning practice and if it’s happy in the morning, if it’s when the baby’s napping or depending on what, where your kids are at is taking time to just be stiff, you know, the phone off, no distractions and I get it, it can be hard with kids.
34:16
Believe me, I have four.
34:17
But there is time where you can take that little bit of time to meditate, do some breath work, do some journaling.
34:24
, I love, I mean, I have my whole, I’m sure you do too.
34:26
I have my whole morning practice.
34:27
Like I don’t, there’s no way that I could do life the way I do it from a place of grounded this and safety if I didn’t have that daily practice.
34:37
So whatever that looks like I’m going on a walk.
34:39
I love one of my favorite things to do.
34:41
I’ll share.
34:42
This is a 20 to 30 minute walk with either quiet or calming music if you can’t preferably outside.
34:49
But I check in with my inner Children.
34:51
I call them like my little be so like the coach that taught this to me, she’s like check with my queens that resonate with me.
34:58
So my little bee is just, just dropping in and being in nature listening to music.
35:03
Hey, how are you guys say?
35:05
What do you need, inviting any memories in that need healing and going through that process when you do that regularly.
35:12
It’s game changing though.
35:14
Beautiful to check in with those parts of us.
35:16
And I’m trying to remember what you oh earlier in our conversation when you said you’ve gone back to your inner child and reworked something that happened.
35:24
This was wild to me when this first started happening to me but I remember one time when I was in this meditative state on a walk, my little like four or five year old self, she wanted to have a tea party.
35:33
Like I was the youngest of six kids, like loving parents.
35:36
But like I was alone a lot.
35:37
Like my mom was, you know, go, go going with all the things and she wanted me to sit and have a tea party with her.
35:43
So like in my imagination, I sat with my younger so pictured her in this dress.
35:48
Pictured me in this dress.
35:49
Just saw how cute she was and took that meditation that 10 or 15 minutes to have a tea party with her.
35:55
It was so healing.
35:56
Another one that I did was well, I was really tiny and took a long time for me to mature.
36:03
But I wanted a bra and I went to my mom and she was like, you don’t need a bra.
36:07
And I was like in seventh grade.
36:08
Ok.
36:09
And so when one of my, my inner child work meditative walks, I took my younger self to the mall and we drove there and we went bra shopping and I made a big deal about looking outlook with her even though she didn’t need it.
36:21
And we went to lunch and I’m telling you like this, it could sound a little crazy to like people who’ve never done the work, done this kind of work, little things like that have been so profound in my healing, taking care of those younger versions of me and just so fun and playful, like the things that you didn’t get now you can be like unto yourself later.
36:43
Isn’t that?
36:44
That’s, that was just so beautiful.
36:46
It makes I was just smiling the entire time.
36:48
You were saying that because it’s, it’s so wild when we see our little, the little me back then, you know, and you’re like, and you go back to her and you see her and you hold her and in some moments like maybe she’s crying and she literally just needs a hug and then you give her a hug and then she’s like, oh, this is all that I needed at that time.
37:06
You know, where all I needed is reassurance.
37:09
And so like, it’s a really powerful work because to your point, like you’re meeting our little mes in those times and you are the one like actively giving that to yourself.
37:22
And it’s this love, unconditional love and support.
37:25
That’s just like on repeat that you’re just repeating.
37:28
It’s so and yeah, and to the parents out there too when your kids are triggering you, it’s like a mirror for your inner child.
37:38
It’s recognizing like what part of me is this?
37:40
Triggering, right?
37:41
And being able to go back, take care of you.
37:44
I had a client on a call the other day.
37:45
She was like, my daughter’s going through something.
37:47
It’s triggering me.
37:48
She’s like, and I realized like this is triggering my inner child.
37:52
She had, her daughter’s friends were not including her.
37:55
She’s like 13 and she was witnessing it and she was like, why aren’t they including my daughter?
38:00
And then she realized it was her younger self.
38:02
So she’s like, before I could even talk to her, like we went in and we did some breath work and we connected her with that version of her.
38:07
But like how beautiful is that to be able to recognize like, oh, this is within me and then we can help our kids and support them in a way that is so completely different than, than like the mama bear coming out, right?
38:20
Which she, the mama bear can come out sometimes, but we can teach our kids the same exact thing.
38:25
So beautiful.
38:27
Something that comes up for mom and I would love your answer on this is, you know, I feel like moms really stretch sometimes.
38:33
I’m like 100% prioritizing their kids and their lives and their responsibilities.
38:38
Like, what does your process or what is your balance in that?
38:43
Because, you know, I think yeah, there’s just a lot of moms out there that are 100% giving their kids everything that the kids need.
38:51
And there’s a part of them that forgets about themselves.
38:53
And so what is your balance in making sure you’re taking care of in a way like you’re talking about regulating your system just so you’re not just regulated for your kids.
39:02
And also how does that feel the most be like, you know, making sure you’re going after the things that you love in life or the things that you’re interested in also while loving your kids.
39:14
What does that balance look like?
39:16
That’s the best questions Karen and I love.
39:19
Yeah.
39:20
So I think it is like most women are putting themselves in the back burner.
39:25
They just are and then it’s just, it’s a cycle.
39:28
And I think first recognizing why do I feel like I have to put everyone before me.
39:33
Where did that come from?
39:34
So for me, I like that’s what I saw my mom doing and in society it’s almost like a badge of honor like putting the kids first, putting everyone’s needs before me.
39:41
Right?
39:41
And I think that as a collective that people are starting to wake up to it.
39:45
So I, I truly believe that it’s finding the parts of us that don’t feel worthy of putting yourself first and see and letting those parts know that it’s safe and that they deserve to be put first and that it’s OK.
39:59
One of the biggest things that I’ve healed is overachieving.
40:02
I mean, I was the achiever that was just like I can do more and I will and I should, I could be doing more.
40:07
I should be doing more and then beating myself up if I wasn’t meeting that level.
40:11
So it’s really allowing your system to rest and not feel guilty for resting.
40:17
And also like letting your kids figure more things out for themselves, empowering them.
40:21
Like we don’t have to do everything for them.
40:24
And in fact, we’re doing an injustice if we’re doing everything for them.
40:27
And so it’s, it’s being ok with not being perfect.
40:30
Like I had to just be like, what can I let go of?
40:33
Right.
40:33
I, during COVID I started teaching my three daughters to do their laundry.
40:39
They were see, 1012 and 14 at the time.
40:43
And I was like, listen, because I was doing so much laundry, it was never ending and it was just like, I couldn’t keep up on it and I was like, they could do their laundry, they can figure this out.
40:54
And it was actually my friend that’s a mom of five.
40:56
That was like, why are you doing your kids’ laundry?
40:58
I was like, isn’t that what we do?
41:00
Yeah.
41:01
So it’s been such a beautiful thing to see.
41:03
They don’t even ask me.
41:04
I mean, of course now and then if they need help I’ll help them out.
41:07
But I haven’t done their laundry since 2020.
41:09
Now.
41:10
Who’s almost 12?
41:11
I haven’t, I need to implement that for him because he’s like the baby of the family.
41:15
But so what can you empower your kids?
41:17
What can you give more of to them?
41:19
Right.
41:19
And then, and what can you let go of more so that you can, you can pour more into what to your needs.
41:25
I mean, you’re going to find when you take care of you and your needs, you show up so much better for your kids.
41:31
You’re not as triggered, you’re not as reactive when I start reacting and get triggered.
41:34
And I’m like, you know, kind of lashing out a little about my kids.
41:37
I’m like, OK, yeah, I need to take care of me like peace out like I gotta go, right?
41:43
So I’m aware of it now, but I wasn’t before and then I would just beat myself up if I got really worked up and said something to my kid that I didn’t want to.
41:51
Yeah.
41:51
You know, as you’re talking to that, you know, what about that moment?
41:54
Right?
41:55
Because I feel like a mom that’s been, is this for anyone?
41:58
I know we’re talking about moms, but this could totally be applied to anyone.
42:00
Like you start delegating, you start inviting people to do all these different things.
42:04
There can also be this part of you that’s like, but I’m, I’m used to doing this, you know, or like I want to control the way that it’s being done or like, do I fully trust them?
42:12
Like in that moment of transition?
42:14
You know, that like peak moment you’re like, OK, I’m going to start doing this and I’m uncomfortable to start doing this, right?
42:20
There’s this uncomfortability, this sense of tension, the anxiety might come up, things are just looking differently.
42:25
You might want to control the way that it happens all these, right?
42:28
And that like little juiciness transition before it actually becomes something that you can embody.
42:33
What can someone do in that?
42:35
Oh, I love that.
42:37
OK.
42:37
Yeah.
42:37
So when it’s feeling super uncomfortable because you’re breaking the old pattern.
42:41
Right.
42:41
Exactly.
42:42
Yeah.
42:42
So that’s where I like to really be intentional with.
42:45
What are you trying to do?
42:47
What is your goal here?
42:48
What are you wanting to have happen while I’m wanting to empower my kids more and I’m wanting to let go of the to control everything.
42:56
So when it comes so and noticing too, because patterns are so uncomfortable to break, but I always like to remind myself I’m uncomfortable with the way things are going like that’s uncomfortable, but it’s a discomfort that I’m used to.
43:08
So just being like, OK, I’m noticing how uncomfortable this is.
43:11
I’m in a instead of like, you know, with, you know, somatic work too any time you are resisting, what is your body naturally?
43:17
Just braces?
43:18
So it’s like tightening, it’s not, it’s wanting to hold on.
43:21
So when you can recognize like, OK, am I starting to resist?
43:25
What is this is uncomfortable because I’m doing something differently and just breathe into it.
43:30
I’m going to allow this discomfort to be here in my body for the greater good of creating a new pattern, right?
43:36
Even when I was talking and I was all tight and I even just breathing and feel that I just felt myself relax.
43:42
Like I’m wanting this discomfort as I shift into the pattern that I really want or the discomfort of running around with my head cut off because I’m literally doing everything and trying to control everything, but just like preparing yourself for your system to know that.
43:57
Ok.
43:58
Yeah, there’s going to be some different kind of discomfort and I can feel this discomfort is just a different vibration in my body.
44:04
I got this and just allowing, I think that’s so much of all the work is just allowing the emotions that are here instead of resisting them.
44:13
Yeah, it sounds like what I was gonna say is like this sounds like a very serving intention, right?
44:20
So like the un uncomfortability is like very serving and pouring back into you versus like, you know, operating in the high achiever, I can do everything I am taking care of all the responsibilities, running with your head, shaking your head cut off.
44:35
Like maybe that there’s parts of you that kind of enjoy that you can do that.
44:39
But then overall there’s could be those parts of you that are like I’m absolutely depleted and exhausted and I’m tired and that energy is so much more different, but the energy you’re talking about, it’s like you’re uncomfortable for a little bit, but it’s for the good intention of more versus the other energy just feels so like chaotic and all over the place versus this is so much more supportive.
45:03
You gotta get a little uncomfortable before you get there.
45:06
You do and then, and you start to, when you start to practice it and lean into it, it feels so good to let go.
45:12
Yeah, it feels so good to let go of hearing and doing so much right and beautiful work to, to witness it in, in clients and see them be able to be like, ok, it’s ok.
45:25
I don’t have to do everything.
45:26
Everything doesn’t have to be perfect.
45:28
And also like this might be a whole another dive, but it’s letting our kids have their human experience and not trying to like safeguard and control everything that they’re doing.
45:38
Like let them figure it out, you know, it’s not ours, it’s not, we, we can carry so much and it just, it gets so stressful and chaotic.
45:46
Like you were saying, we can just let go and let the kids figure it out like this is their path.
45:52
It’s OK if it’s not exactly what you think is supposed to be happening.
45:56
The first thing that comes to mind when you say that is like, I always say that you don’t know anything until you experience it.
46:01
So like me as a human being today, as I’m starting new things as I’m doing these things like getting really uncomfortable with like, well, I really don’t know what’s gonna happen if I do this, you know, but being comfortable to be like in my experience, I will learn, right?
46:15
I will learn what the tools to navigate whatever comes up from that.
46:18
And for your kids, it sounds like by allowing them to have their own human experience, they’re also practicing that muscle of, oh maybe I should not put my hand there.
46:27
Learn for later versus my mom always telling me, you know, like they’re actually building this muscle.
46:32
Like I can truly do these things and experience them and learn how to be ok in that too.
46:39
Like they’re going through this entire process and it’s just as important to them as it is to us today totally.
46:46
And then if I not trying to control and tell them everything what to do, they can trust, start to learn how to trust myself.
46:52
Yes.
46:53
You know, that self trust to build that.
46:55
And that’s a, that’s a beautiful thing to teach them how to start to.
47:00
What do you think?
47:00
What do you want to do?
47:01
How does that feel to you and let, and then letting them decide it so powerful?
47:06
I’m just, I’m just grateful because there’s been such a shift in my parenting from all of this work that it’s so much more freeing for me to let go to not hold on to it all and let them learn so beautiful.
47:20
Well, thank you so much for, for sharing everything today, like truly just being so open and vulnerable and vulnerably expressing because I think it’s such a gift now that you’ve like normalized.
47:31
A lot of these conversations almost like I think that’s like the other thing is like taking away the shame and the guilt to a lot of these conversations, whether they’re with your kids or whether they’re in your own life and things like that.
47:42
So just so beautiful.
47:44
I would love for you to share, how can someone connect with you, how can someone find you?
47:50
And if you have anything else you want share like an offering?
47:53
Yeah.
47:53
Thank you so much for having me, Karenna.
47:55
I just, I just love sitting and you’re like, I know we’re like in different states, but just being in your energy is just this calming, grounding, safe feeling that I just love, you’re just so special.
48:06
So my, my Instagram is shiftwithbeth and shiftwithbeth.com is my website.
48:11
And yeah, if you wanna, if you’re interested in one on one coaching, you know, always offering new things.
48:18
So just staying up to date that way.
48:20
I love in person retreats, but I don’t have one on the books right now and I’m getting ready to offer a group coaching program like a subscription.
48:28
So that’s coming up.
48:29
But yeah, I just love connecting with people and just helping them to feel the freedom that I feel and it’s all just it’s all from within and it’s possible for everyone to be, to have that peace and that inner love and that inner knowing.
48:43
So I just, yeah, thank you for having might be so beautiful.
48:46
No, I love, I mean I’ve just loved witnessing you grow and be on your journey and like where you’re at today and like if anyone does get a, get a chance to work with you, like they’re super, super blessed.
48:55
So thank you, I appreciate you.
48:58
I love you, love you so much.
