Full Transcript
0:00
Welcome to the Fully Expressed podcast with Karenna.
0:02
I am your podcast host, Karenna Soto.
0:04
And this is the podcast show where we have different conversations that feel like you’re sitting at the dining room table with your girlfriends and you are learning growing, evolving and being inspired.
0:21
We have different conversations that invite you into your fullest expressed self, really defining what it means to live a life fully expressed, to be in relationship and create our relationships where you feel fully expressed.
0:35
And also what does it mean to show up fully expressed in your business and in your career?
0:41
And so every single week, traditionally, you’re either hearing from me or other amazing guest speakers that are sharing with you the different tools or stories or what it actually means to live a life fully expressed in hopes of you really finding the tools, the education, the inspiration and the perspective of what’s actually available to you.
1:04
So, thank you so much for tuning in today.
1:06
Today, we get to do a little solo session with me if you haven’t had the chance yet.
1:10
You know, last week, my boyfriend, Nick, my romantic partner and I did a podcast episode together.
1:17
And in that podcast episode, we shared our story, how we met what that actually looked like from both different perspectives where we were at before meeting each other.
1:27
And then we asked very specific questions or we asked our communities very specific questions that they wanted of us to answer.
1:35
And so I posted on social media and I also asked the virtual community that I have for women online, what would be some questions that you would want Nan I to answer?
1:46
Yeah.
1:46
So we answer those on the podcast.
1:48
And there was one specific question that we got from someone on social media that she was asking, you know, how do we navigate our triggers when we are having hard conversations?
1:58
And Nick and I shed light into what that actually looks like for us and gave really specific examples of what’s going on in the situation when I’m triggered versus when he’s triggered and how we’re actually just becoming a mirror to one another.
2:12
For today’s episode.
2:13
I wanted to dive a little bit deeper to actually giving you very specific strategies that you can do one.
2:21
What does it mean to be triggered in the middle of a difficult conversation?
2:24
What you can do when you are triggered in the middle of conversation, how to navigate someone else’s trigger as well as give you some very strategic things that to think about when you are having a hard conversation and with that being said, I also understand if you’ve heard me before, this is my thing.
2:43
I love talking about this.
2:45
You know, we can only have so much of the communication skills, right?
2:49
There’s also a somatic experience that’s happening when we are in the middle of a hard conversation.
2:54
Our body is having some kind of response to the kinds of conversations that we’re having to, you know, you feel your body tighten up, get anxious all of a sudden you want to run away for maybe a hard conversation or maybe you are someone that starts lashing out when hard conversations come up, difficult conversations come up or complicated situations or complex conversations.
3:19
And so we all have this different external experience, but we’re also all having a very internal experience and that is really much more related to the somatic experience.
3:28
And so I also want to be aware of as I give you guys, these steps also learn to give yourself grace when you’re in the middle of having these difficult conversations because your body is also responding to the experience of having these hard conversations in a way to want to protect you, to want to keep you safe because in some way, shape or form in the past, you haven’t felt that way when it came to these kinds of topics or maybe it’s being filtered through your subconscious mind and being connected to a specific event that happened in the past.
4:03
And so I’m saying that with, as you hear, these tip centric also be aware of the somatic experiences.
4:10
And if you would find it helpful for me to dive into that next piece, I’d be happy to drop into making an episode specifically around the somatic experience and what that actually looks like, what that actually feels like and what’s happening through the words that we hear and how they’re filtering through our subconscious mind and they’re becoming our reality.
4:31
But every word that we hear it creates a thought which creates an emotion and I’m happy to peel back the layers there and also give you some really strong tips on how to work through the somatic experiences.
4:43
If that sounds interesting, please reach out, send me an INS ad M on Instagram.
4:49
I am Carrano Soto and I would love to know if thats something that youd want and ill drop it in next week after this episode.
4:56
So for today, I wanna talk about very specific strategies and talk a little bit about the communication barriers that are happening when you are having difficult conversations and diving that into a little bit more to give you a little bit of light into myself and my experience.
5:10
And if you tend to struggle with having difficult conversations or don’t want to bring up a sensitive or awkward topic or maybe you’re someone that doesn’t really like to share their opinion because they don’t want to shake the room.
5:27
They don’t want to disturb the peace.
5:28
Maybe you’re someone that wants to avoid conflict or maybe you find yourself being scared if you say something that the other person might get upset or you’ll lose them or they may not become, they might not understand why you’re saying that they might judge you.
5:44
So this might be really helpful and I’ll also talk to the personality that might be on the other side of this.
5:50
But my, my experience when it comes to navigating difficult conversations in the past has been to fully avoid.
5:58
So what does that mean?
6:00
It always came to a place of me, constantly worrying about the other person in the room, making sure that they were taken care of not fully owning what I wanted, what my opinions were and what my thoughts were.
6:12
And so when it came to having difficult conversations, oh my gosh, I would shut down my throat would tighten up, my, my chest would tighten up if anything, I would want to leave the conversation.
6:24
And I would say things like I can’t have this conversation right now or can we just not have this conversation right now?
6:31
And so my system would go from like, oh, I’m avoiding this to like, I’m really quiet to, can I not have this conversation right now to only focusing on how the other person is responding in this and asking them like, hey, I know you’re the one having this hard conversation.
6:45
With me.
6:45
But like, how are you feeling?
6:47
So that essentially was a fond trauma response on my end.
6:52
And what would tend to happen for me as I started to peel the layers and see was that I was just suppressing a lot of my thoughts and my emotions that weren’t coming along with that.
7:02
And so eventually it would show up with me blowing up on the person because I would go days, weeks, months, years, not sharing something that’s been on my mind.
7:12
And then if I got triggered or to the point where I was cornered and I had to say something, I would find myself yelling at them or exploding or in my experience, it felt like this huge thing because I haven’t said it for so many days, so many weeks, so many months, so many years, it was this whole ordeal.
7:32
And so I had this compound effect of years and years of years of really not knowing how to share my voice, how to, how to share when something bothered me or when something hurt me or when I wanted to say no and say I don’t want to do that or if I didn’t have the capacity to or when it came to setting boundaries or when it came to being honest about how I was feeling in a relationship or when it came to talking to my manager at work and saying like, hey, this is how I feel this is what I want.
8:03
I need some help.
8:03
S os like those conversations were never on the table because I just so badly feared that this person may not want to love me anymore.
8:15
They might leave, they might judge me.
8:17
They might create the story of me.
8:19
And I had like such a huge fear of fine.
8:22
All right.
8:22
Another life hat for you.
8:24
If you are not doing this today, I ask you whole plunge or get yourself a bucket of water and put some ice in it and put your face in it to help wake up your system to help regulate your system, to help reset your nervous system.
8:40
Try this, try doing this first thing in the morning.
8:44
Do this when you feel heavy.
8:45
If you are not able to cold plunge, you can take a cold shower, you can do the ice bucket that I just shared.
8:51
This life hack is really, really amazing.
8:54
And if you do it and try it and you do feel like it woke you up, you felt more joy, you got more energy from it, start to implement it more into your life.
9:05
Now, I’ve also been in a relationship and have experienced what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone that is fiery and way more intense, way more direct and you know, for that specific person, they tend to be more just like straight up about how they’re feeling, right.
9:23
They’re very clear sometimes.
9:24
They can be very fiery.
9:26
Sometimes they can be more in fight or flight and they’re like yelling at you, but they lack listening.
9:31
And so in that experience, it’s, it’s coming from a place of like you don’t hear me and I wanna be heard and they’re saying it’s so much louder.
9:38
You know, you can also be the person that completely freezes when you are having difficult conversations.
9:43
So this looks like someone brings up a sensitive topic and you pull up your phone and you just numb out and you don’t want to talk, you’re not listening, maybe you can think of teenagers or just people in your life like a family member that whenever something sensitive comes up, they just stare at you and they don’t say anything.
10:01
It’s almost like they’re numb and they don’t hardly have the words to express themselves and ask you, ask them questions to dive deeper.
10:07
They don’t really have much to say or they don’t really respond to what you’re saying.
10:12
That’s another response.
10:14
And so if any of those resonate, I really do think that this, this episode is going to be very supportive to you.
10:20
And if you think of anyone that has been struggling with that themselves or is struggling with someone in those different categories, this could, will be helpful for you too.
10:31
So the very first thing I want to share with you.
10:34
So when you are in communication with someone, when you are having hard conversations, just like in your day to day life, some of the most common communication barriers that happen is first off is a lack of emotional intelligence.
10:48
And so what does that actually mean?
10:49
It’s the ability to identify, handle one’s emotions.
10:53
It’s being emotionally intelligent, allows you to understand your emotions and how to respond in them accordingly.
10:59
So I, you know, a lot of us are stepping into up leveling our emotional intelligence game, being able to identify and handle and be with our emotions and also be able to give what our emotions need and want in a way that is supportive to our systems.
11:16
And so, but this, this is a really big factor because obviously, emotions are a big part of communicating.
11:22
It’s a big part of feeling competent and safe in relationship.
11:27
It’s a big part in having hard conversations and saying hard things.
11:32
The second one is obviously fear, which I’ve already mentioned.
11:35
So the fear of being judged, saying something wrong, upsetting someone, someone creating a perspective of you.
11:42
So this deep fear of like, oh will this person leave me if I say this and or is this person making a story of me?
11:49
If I say this, what would they think of me almost like we think that what we say identifies as becomes a part of our identity and that makes something of us.
11:57
And we’re so worried that the other person will take what we say and almost like stamp us as that stuff.
12:04
The third one that is a communication barrier is the lack of listening.
12:09
So in our world today, we are doing a million things in one.
12:14
So you find yourself really busy, you maybe you find yourself, you have kids, you have work, you’re running from one thing to the next and we’re just lacking a lack of listening and that shows up by different distractions that can show up by being modestly uninterested, so disinterest and also a lack of empathy.
12:35
So there’s no genuine way of actually people listening to what you’re saying, there’s such a lack of listening.
12:42
And this is such a big thing when it comes to accurately communicating because one of the biggest things that we all want, when we are saying hard things or we’re leaning into communication is we want to feel seen and we want to feel heard.
12:53
And so listening is a huge factor of that, but it is, it is one of the biggest communication barriers that we run into today.
13:00
Judgments and assumptions is the fourth one.
13:02
So this means that when we are in a conversation with someone, we we are already assuming what they mean by what they’re saying or we are projecting and making judgments of what they’re saying.
13:15
So we are not fully listening in that situation because we are filtering it through our mind and making this quote unquote summary or judgment or assumption of what they’re saying.
13:26
And we’re not actually listening to what they’re saying.
13:29
And then fifth is the human defense system.
13:32
So within ourselves, within our mind, within the psyche, within the nervous system, we have these parts of us that clearly wanted to protect us.
13:40
There’s parts of us that wanna keep us safe.
13:42
And if there’s ever moments that our body does not feel safe when it comes to having our conversations, our human defense systems gonna kick in.
13:50
It’s gonna be like, how do I protect myself?
13:53
How do I manage the situation and how do I keep myself from feeling this emotion?
13:57
So it’s gonna go into overdrive and it’s got automatically do all these things to quote unquote, keep us safe to quote unquote, protect us from a difficult conversation.
14:08
And so with that being said, I want to transition into what it looks like for the different archetypes that I’ve created to be triggered.
14:20
And this is just good for you guys to be aware of when you guys are in the middle of conversation because I want you to pay attention to seeing this as like, oh I’m aware that I’m doing that.
14:30
Oh I’m aware that that I’m doing.
14:31
So if you find yourself being impulsive, wanting to fight when difficult conversations come up, attempt to dominate the conversation or you have a, I don’t give a fuck kind of attitude.
14:45
This to me means that you are the king and queen of fire.
14:50
This means that this can feel like internally, like impulsive yelling, screaming, tight, chest tightening, lashing out, contracted, hypervigilant, aggressive, can’t sit still, urgent energy, going outward, rapid heartbeat, short temper bleam.
15:09
And really, you’re, you’re searching for a need to control and you’re also so much easier to judge the other person.
15:16
And so this archetype is what I call the king or queen of fire.
15:20
This is the person that tends to be way more impulsive, wanting to fight.
15:24
I attempted to dominate and I, and I don’t give a fuck attitude.
15:28
The second archetype that I’ve created is called the queen and king of repressing.
15:35
And so this can look like wanting to run away almost like you’re bracing for impact when hard conversations come up and you have this, I get the fuck out attitude like you’re chilly yourself.
15:46
But you also wanna run away and get out.
15:48
The crazy thing about these two archetypes is that this can also feel like internally like impulsive, yelling, screaming, chest tightening, lashing out contraction.
15:59
It’s just the two main differences.
16:01
That’s the queen of fire.
16:03
They want to, they don’t give a fuck.
16:05
They want to attend, they wanna fight, they want to lean in to this, you know, pressing or the king or queen pressing, they want to get the fuck out, they want to run away.
16:14
So maybe you, you resonate with one of those two, the next two archetypes.
16:19
The first one I want to talk about is the people pleasing queen or king.
16:23
This can look like wanting to shut down.
16:26
You’re defaulting to what other people want.
16:29
You feel a lot of pressure in your head, you wanna go internal, you wanna check out, you feel like you want to defend yourself in these conversations, but you can’t, this can also feel almost like impulsive and feel spacey at the same time in the middle of these typical conversations.
16:47
The last archetype that it might be something that you might step into.
16:51
This is the ice queen or king and what this looks like did zoned out completely shut down, slow moving, inability to think, heavy, lethargic, numb, mute, scared.
17:04
This can also feel like impulsive feeling spacey, shutting down.
17:08
So you notice that the feelings are the same.
17:10
But the two differentiators between these two is the people pleasing queen or king is tends to be defaulting to what the other person wants.
17:19
They have this sense of awareness that they want to defend themselves in the difficult conversation, but they don’t know how versus the ice queen or king.
17:28
This tends to be someone that just goes numb, just completely shuts down, doesn’t feel safe.
17:34
The zone Tao is scared.
17:36
You find them very quiet, almost like nothing is in there.
17:40
And you know what I would say would be an archetype to work through, which could be what I call the confident expressive queen or king is.
17:52
You know, I think the goal when it comes to having difficult conversations is being able to show up in these conversations.
18:01
Clear, neutral, curious thoughts.
18:04
There’s a sense of curiosity to what’s happening in the conversation.
18:08
There’s not a sense of pointing fingers or pointing fingers at yourself.
18:14
It’s just very neutral in your presence.
18:17
When you’re talking to someone, there’s no need for you to defend or control.
18:21
There is this calm, centered, open energy that you’re in.
18:26
You don’t feel like you’re on offense.
18:28
So you don’t feel like you’re defensive.
18:30
You are being pers you’re holding perspective versus being judging.
18:35
You have access to heart energy.
18:37
So you’re, you’re in this love, compassion, forgiveness, understanding energy, you are flexible in your viewpoint and feel safe and you feel open, there’s lightness and there’s more connection and collaboration with the person that you’re in this conversation with.
18:55
You are relaxed, you’re present, you’re expansive.
18:58
And so there is this sense of you fully expressing yourself.
19:03
And so you find yourself fully present in the middle of communicating hard things.
19:08
You find yourself fully expressing yourself vulnerably and authentically while also creating a safe space for others to feel seen and heard.
19:18
And so this is quote unquote the space and you lean into hard conversations.
19:24
This is going to be the most supportive energy when having hard conversations.
19:28
Now, I know that not all of us and be in this space all the time.
19:33
You know, this, this can shift depending on who you’re talking to.
19:38
What the conversation was about, how regulated your nervous system is that day, how much space and capacity you have, what your window of tolerance looks like.
19:48
You know, this is something that you get to practice going on, stepping into more and more and more as you start to really peel back the layers as to what’s coming up for you when you are having these hard conversations.
20:02
And that’s the very first thing that I want you guys to, to think about is when you’re having these hard conversations, does your energy feel like it’s attacking and making it about the other person?
20:14
Does it feel like you’re attacking internally and making it about you?
20:17
Do you find yourself attached to a certain outcome?
20:21
Do you lose your curiosity?
20:23
Are you trying to control the way that someone responds to something versus being open to receiving however they respond, you know, you can feel those different dynamics.
20:37
One is really based off perspective versus judging.
20:41
And like I said, you know, depending on the person that you’re with or who you’re in conversation with or what the environment looks like, you can bounce between these different archetypes, these different states of being these different states of energy that you’re in.
20:53
When it comes to hard conversations, for example, you might feel very, very safe with your friends, you might feel very, very safe with your partner.
21:02
Then when your parents come around things, get a little touchy when certain conversations come up because they’ve been around your world for such a long time.
21:10
Maybe your sister or your brother can just poke you in certain ways and you’re just like how I feel about that.
21:17
I don’t know if I can keep my cool.
21:19
So, you know, I would say get curious about the conversations of the people that you feel really present with when having hard conversations.
21:29
You know, if there is someone you in your life start to pay attention to.
21:33
What does it feel like for me right now about being vulnerable and authentic here?
21:37
What is it about this relationship that I could do that?
21:41
What, what am I doing for this other person that allows them to also feel safe and inviting to share for me?
21:48
And then when you’re in conversations with other people, you know, get really curious that that trigger you get really curious about like, what is it about this conversation that feels different than the one that I feel safe in?
22:00
What is it about this conversation where I feel like I can say whatever is on my mind, I can be super authentic.
22:05
I can share what’s coming up for me.
22:07
I’m open to working through these things together with them.
22:11
What is it about that relationship?
22:12
Just take note just become present of what that actually looks like.
22:17
And as we move through this, I really wanted to, to give you the foundation to having conscious conversations and conscious communication and what that actually looks like.
22:29
So the very first one is if you’re going to have a hard conversation with someone in your life, I want to make sure that you’re present as well as also making sure that the other person is present.
22:39
And so sometimes you want to have a very specific conversation at a very specific time because it’s very much on our heart and on our mind and it feels like I need to do this conversation.
22:48
Now, the truth is as much as I am so encouraging of you just being open to saying whatever is on your mind.
22:55
If you find yourself wanting to dig into a certain topic, let’s put it that way, set up a very specific time where you can be very present with the person that you want to have a conversation with.
23:05
The next one is as you start to share and they start to share, try your best to not assume.
23:11
So, what does this mean?
23:13
If you find yourself assuming if you feel your emotions starting to come up, if you feel yourself starting to get worked up or feel chaotic internally, I want you to take a minute and just pause, go take a pause.
23:25
You can always say, hey, can I just go get a, take a quick deep breath real quick and then we’ll come back to this conversation or can I just get a glass of water real quick so I can come back to this conversation, whatever that is that you need to do, take a big deep breath, take a pause.
23:39
If you need to step away for a little bit, go do that clear head and then come back and ask clarifying questions and reflect back to them what they’re hearing.
23:47
So they can confirm that you heard what you they were trying to say and two, you can dive a little bit deeper.
23:54
So one, the one little small trick that I love to do when I don’t understand is say things like, can you tell me what you mean about that or if I’m hearing you correctly?
24:04
Did you say XYZ?
24:07
Like is this what you meant by that?
24:08
And so hopefully the other person on their side would be like, yes, no, this is what I mean by that and you’re like, oh OK, that makes more sense.
24:15
So we tend to hear things and filter it through our subconscious mind, which leads to assumptions and judgments based off our own experiences.
24:25
But that doesn’t mean that the other person on the other side of the conversation actually meant that way.
24:29
So really getting comfortable with clarifying if we, if we can all nail this part right here really deeply clarifying, get that for yourself.
24:38
After you guys do that and reflect and do that, you know, at the end, as you guys are working towards what you need, make sure to come to an agreement of how the next steps are.
24:50
What does that look supportive and make sure you clarify and reflect that again?
24:53
So sometimes we end these hard conversations and we’re like, yeah, he totally heard me right.
24:59
Or she totally took away that I need this.
25:02
We’re going to be fine and then all of a sudden the thing happens again and they did not respond that way.
25:07
And you’re like, what the fuck?
25:08
Why didn’t you?
25:10
We just talked about this yesterday like why are you not making a change?
25:15
And that could happen because we are assuming that they heard what our agreement was between the two of us.
25:21
And to be honest, that is not always the case.
25:24
And as you guys get a good rhythm, maybe you guys will get there.
25:26
But I would say as you’re in this conversation with someone be like, I would love this.
25:30
Let’s see this a good agreement.
25:32
This feels really good for both of us.
25:34
This is how we’re going to move forward and it, it just keeps things really, really smooth, very, very clear.
25:40
All the things are on the table and you just know how to move forward.
25:44
It allows the relationship to take action in a direction that you guys both really want to go and then wrap it up with clarifying and reflecting again, just do the b again, just make sure everyone’s all heard and seen and as you do that, you know, so one thing I want you to think about when you are preparing to have this conversation is first and foremost, identify what’s coming up for you and the story that you are creating.
26:07
So let’s say, for example, I’m trying to think this is going to be such a silly example.
26:13
But let’s say my boyfriend doesn’t get me that flowers on Valentine’s Day.
26:18
And I really wanted Valentine’s Day and flowers and he didn’t do anything special for me and he didn’t think about it.
26:23
And I’m feeling a certain kind of way internally.
26:26
I am feeling like he hasn’t thought about me that he didn’t think about me and he didn’t put any effort that he doesn’t care about this relationship that he no longer loves me and my mind is spiraling.
26:36
I was like, and then I’m like, am I being too dramatic?
26:38
Am I asking for too much and all this is coming up?
26:41
And so if I want to bring this up to my partner and I want to say, hey, you know, I’m creating the story that you don’t care about this relationship as much as I do because I was really hoping that you were going to get me flowers or you could say, you know, as I’ve been reflecting on Valentine’s Day, I found myself creating the story that you don’t really love or think about our relationship as much.
27:08
And So you see the language that I’m saying that I am taking, I am creating the story, I am creating the story for this situation.
27:17
And so that part right there really, really helps the other person take a step back and not feel attacked in your words.
27:25
So they’re like, OK, so this is coming up for them.
27:27
The thing that I did is adding to the thing that is coming up for them, but they’re feeling this way.
27:33
So you are, you are taking responsibility for the story that you’re creating internally and then follow up with that like I need, you need from them, what you want to hear from them or what you’re asking for.
27:43
And so for sticking on this flower thing, you know, feel like I would say, hey, I’m creating the story that you don’t really care or you didn’t put in as much thought into Valentine’s Day because I’m not much of a thought to you.
27:57
What I would really love to know is that that’s true.
28:00
I find that being reassured is really important.
28:03
Like I would love for you to, to tell me if that’s true or not true, like, and if it’s not true, like it would be super supportive.
28:10
That part of me really wants to be reassured that that’s not the case.
28:14
And can we talk through what came up or like, what’s your perspective about Valentine’s Day and what’s coming up for you when it comes to Valentine’s Day because this is how I’m feeling in our relationship.
28:27
The third step is really getting to a place of talking through it.
28:34
And as you guys are talking through it, allow him or them to share their perspective about what’s coming up for them as they give you the reassurance and you know, asking questions, like, is there anything that’s coming up for you that you’d like to bring up to the table?
28:50
And then if there’s more that’s coming up for you, you can continue to lean in.
28:53
Ok.
28:53
So like now this is coming up for me.
28:55
I would love to peel this back and forth and understand that be like, ok, great.
28:59
And then if you guys conclude, like, conclude with an agreement of what that looks like moving forward.
29:04
And so maybe it is for Valentine’s Day moving forward, something that let’s say you guys end on the partner doesn’t, doesn’t necessarily celebrate Valentine’s Day or maybe they think that it’s silly and they didn’t, they didn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day because they didn’t really think that you thought about it.
29:21
But now they realize that Valentine’s Day is important to you and that you like to be thought of or you just like need certain things and what that looks like for you.
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And so now you guys are in agreement that, you know, Valentine’s Day next year, maybe he now recognized how much it’s an important day for you that he can give that to you and see if he’s willing to do that.
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And then if he, if you are OK with whatever that looks like, agree upon that and conclude.
29:49
So you see that there is this constant like cycle that you can repeat when you’re having these hard conversations.
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So the very first one is identifying the story that’s coming up for you.
29:59
The next one is identifying what you need and what you want after you identify the story and like what you’re really searching for in that moment by having that conversation in that conversation, really unpacking, like what your perspective is and what that looks like and always coming from like parts of me are feeling this way or using language that is not pointing the finger at you guys.
30:23
That’s not necessarily going to be the most supportive in having these conversations because if you do that and you point the finger as to like you are so, so funny to me that you always talk about this.
30:36
But like when it comes to Valentine’s Day, you didn’t show up for me at all.
30:40
That’s very tacky.
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And that language can definitely trigger someone and that’s gonna keep the other person from being able to hear you in the way that you want to be heard or actually hear what you’re saying because I deep down what I think in this situation about Valentine’s Day, what could be coming up for you is, you know, I really, I felt like you didn’t think of me.
31:02
I felt like I wasn’t important to you.
31:04
I felt like you don’t love me as much as I love you, you know, whatever it is that that vulnerability aspect is one of the biggest things in these conversations is really, really feeling safe, to be honest about what’s coming up for you.
31:17
Now, let’s say that the other person doesn’t necessarily respond in the best way.
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So how do you do that first off is check in with yourself if they bounce back and they’re triggered, take a big deep breath and put the questions back on them.
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So if they start to get defensive, just say, hey, what’s coming up for you right now?
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Or I realize that this is a sensitive topic, like can you share with me what you’re thinking?
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And so now you’re getting compassionately curious about their experience in that moment.
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You got to remember that there’s two people in having this hard conversation.
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There’s two people that are working through the communication barriers that I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, there’s two people that have triggers and nervous systems and everything like that are human.
32:08
And so if you find the other person getting defensive, try and find your ground, take a big deep breath.
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If you need to step away and come to back the conversation, come back to the conversation, but lean into asking them what’s coming up for you.
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And that can be really hard if you’re someone that’s already scared in these conversations, that already feels like this as an unsafe or anything.
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But if you can create the space and the desire and a capacity, at least on a minimal level to say, hey, can you share with me what’s coming up for you right now or was there something that I said that made you feel this way or anything along those lines?
32:47
So you’re asking them about their experience?
32:50
It can be about what about this conversation is uncomfortable or what part of this conversation made you want to yell at me?
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And hopefully, if you come into it, like us as soft and as grounded, they’ll be able to share with you their experience and you can get light into what’s happening on their end of the conversation.
33:09
And the last and final thing that I want to conclude on for this episode because I get a lot of questions as to, how do you compromise in relationship?
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Do you always have to compromise?
33:19
And a part of me feels like most of the time if both people in the relationship are willing to, they’ll find the answers in.
33:27
Yes.
33:27
And that doesn’t mean either or that doesn’t mean, oh, I’m only gonna listen to Kenna’s opinion in this situation and I’m not gonna listen to Kerry’s, I’m gonna do everything that Karenna wants.
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The goal here is how can I meet Karen’s needs as well as meets Kerri’s needs.
33:42
Where, what does that look like?
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And what does that dance look like?
33:45
Because when you are in these conversations, if you go into it, wanting to be curious and want to and together and want to collaborate, you guys will come to a conclusion.
33:56
Now, if it gets to a place where you guys can’t find a conclusion or whatever that means to you, then you got to ask yourself a bigger question as to like, have I unpacked everything here.
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Have I truly understood and taken responsibility for my end and how this is working?
34:11
Have they have I fully unpacked and understood what their position and then this and then you get to dive into like, is this relationship aligned to me?
34:18
Is there a win, win?
34:20
But you want to start with like, OK, what is the win, win here?
34:23
First when you enter with that energy into a conversation tends to make it a lot easier.
34:29
Traditionally, you know, most people will go into the conversation because there those are playing a role and they want to protect themselves.
34:37
So they’re very much thinking about how do I win?
34:40
How do I stay safe?
34:41
How do I get what I want?
34:42
So I don’t feel this way anymore.
34:44
And that truly takes away from the fact of you two trying to win together, the collaborative, open energy, heart centered, love, compassion, and understanding.
34:55
It’s truly what’s coming up.
34:57
You guys, when you are in the middle of these difficult conversations, it’s just parts of you that do not feel safe.
35:02
There’s parts of you that have not been seen, it’s very vulnerable to have these kinds of conversations.
35:07
And when you can start to see the parts within you with that kind of grace, grace and empathy and understanding and love for yourself.
35:16
Imagine you being able to give that for the other person in the conversation as well because they are truly having their own experience.
35:23
You guys trust me.
35:25
But I want you guys to also take away that this is possible and it’s very important for you to lean into hard conversations.
35:33
It’s really important for you to create the space of having hard conversations with yourself first and giving these different parts within you the opportunity to express themselves.
35:43
And what does that actually look like?
35:45
So I would absolutely love to hear from you if there are any very specific questions that came up from this episode, because I really feel like I could make this in a number of different ways.
35:56
But if there’s very specific questions that you have, when it comes to having these hard conversations, I would love to hear from you again.
36:03
Go ahead and send me a message that I am Grana Soto on Instagram.
36:08
If you are listening to this and you, you are in the fully expressed community that I host virtually and that is completely open for anyone to join.
36:16
You can also send me a slack message and let me know what your questions are.
36:21
And I’ll try to make it a point.
36:22
I will make it a point to answer those questions on the podcast.
36:26
So we can just really peel this back and dive in and support you where you’re at on your journey and having had hard conversations with that being said, thank you so much for listening to today’s episode.
36:36
Go ahead and share this with a friend, share this with someone that you think this might be supportive to listen to this.
36:42
You guys, if we can get to a place where we create the capacity, have the skills, get have the embodied skill of having hard conversations and authentically communicating.
36:53
Being honest, being transparent.
36:55
Our world would be so healthy if we knew how to listen to people, hear people, be honest little about ourselves.
37:03
I truly think that there would be so much more love in the world and by leaning into these hard conversations.
37:08
If you are open and willing to learning the skills and learning how to create capacity within your body and your nervous system, there is so much love and understanding and forward energy that comes from leaning into these hard conversations.
37:24
And so with that being said, thank you so much for listening today.
37:28
I will talk to you all soon.
